It’s time for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Darling! Shi Shi Shi Shi Shi! (Waves at VV™). I’ve got to admit that I’m suffering from severe dehydration because I really haven’t had to participate in this season’s drinking game – I’ve rarely felt the need to yell “STFU” during these last couple of episodes. Hulk sad. Hulk thirsty.
Remember Last Week…
Lisa R decided to audition for a part that was characterized as “Youthful and relatable – With highlights.” Sounds like a perfect match to me! YoYo wants to surround herself with “positivity” but inexplicably says this while on a walk with Brandi. Umm, hello! Brandi expressed how she is “genuinely sorry” for what happened last season. Brandi is baffled at why Lisa can’t forgive and forget her for all the crap she threw at Lisa throughout last season. Well Brandi, I don’t know if Lisa has forgiven you but she certainly HAS forgotten you…Move along…
It’s Lisa R’s birthday, woo hoo! There’s a birthday party at… Wait for it… Wait for it… Yeppers… At “PUMP” – Lisa V’s new restaurant and bar. Color me shocked! Lisa R says that aging is inevitable but she’s doing it as well as she possibly can. She really DOES look amazing – Although I’d love to feed her a sandwich or two. I gotta say that I love how Lisa R is doing her own makeup and hair for her party. Lisa R. asked her daughter to help her pick out what she would wear for the party. Lisa admits that having teenaged girls makes her humble that she probably would have turned into a huge narcissist if she hadn’t had any kids. Lisa’s daughters are waiting on the couch for their Mom to make her grand entrance. It does not surprise them at all that she is wearing a completely different outfit than they had discussed. It’s like she’s saying, “Thank you for helping me pick out what to wear even though I didn’t choose to wear a single danged thing you suggested.”
YoYo’s daughter, Gigi is home from college. Well, technically, she’s only home for 3 days before she leaves to go jet around various places for her career. She’s currently studying Criminal Psychology – I have a feeling she will be putting her college education on a back burner while she continues her very successful modeling career. It appears to me that YoYo would rather her daughters be models than for them to obtain a college education.
We saw the first signs of this last year when she actually tried to talk Gigi out of going to school.This just gets under my skin and goes against every fiber of my being. Getting a college education was expected – it wasn’t a choice.
It is perfectly wonky to me for YoYo to be trying to talk her kids out of college and into a fleeting career like modeling. YoYo confirms that Dad wants all 3 kids to go to school but YoYo thinks that if you hit that one “sweet spot” in a career that you should take it with both hands and go for it because you don’t know when an opportunity like that will come back again. She almost has a point… but my logic and reasoning will not allow me to actually agree with her.
YoYo and Gigi seem to be of similar perfectionist temperament but Bella is more relaxed, cool, and edgy. YoYo considers her daughters to be a much better version of herself. #proudmommy… Bella has been accepted to Parsons for next year (Project Runway, anyone?) YoYo says she can’t wait to see what kind of “trouble” Bella can get into with her career and life… Bella insists she is not going to get into any trouble…lol… Foreshadowing much? Lol… (Next week seems to be the week we find out Bella gets a DUI…).
The birthday girl arrives alone for her birthday party at PUMP. This promises to be one honkin’ gratuitous plug for Lisa V’s new establishment. While Lisa enjoys having parties for friends, she feels like she is working and not enjoying the party. I’m sure Lisa V is crying all the way to the bank with all of this free advertisement. Lisa explains that Harry will be there soon but that he is on his way back from Vancouver.
Kyle loves being able to laugh and tease with Lisa V. once again. Their relationship took a beating last year but Kyle’ is glad they’re friend again. Lisa R tells us that being married to an actor is tough because of all their scheduling issues. Oh, cry me a river, Lisa…lol… You’re married to freakin’ Harry Hamlin… Sit yourself down…lol. Rolls my eyes…
We learn Kyle first met Mauricio on Kyle’s birthday. She was engaged to a CBS newscaster who was 24 years older than she at the time. Evidently, that night, she and Mauricio just clicked and talked for the whole night. At some point during the night, Kyle confesses that she turned her engagement ring around on her finger so the diamond didn’t so obviously show. Kyle thinks she did the right thing. I’ve got to agree with her… Isn’t that why we have the engagement process? I don’t even want to go into the psychology of her original choice…lol.
We also learn that Harry was married to Nicollette Sheridan (who had just left Harry for Michael Bolton) when Lisa R first met him. She worked at an eyeglass store and he came in to pick up his glasses. I wonder how big Lisa’s lips looked thru Harry’s glasses. Harry was very famous at that point – he was on LA Law, etc. Fast forward to 21 years later to when she and Harry were sitting at the Beverly Hills Polo Lounge. Lisa sees Michael Bolton sitting at a nearby table. Lisa walks up to Michael and thanks him from the bottom of her heart – because if it wasn’t for him, she wouldn’t be married to Harry and have the fantastic family that she does. Michael Bolton looked at her and without batting an eye, inexplicably began to sing a medley of, “When a Man Loves a Woman,” “Said I Love You – But I Lied,” and “How Am I Supposed to Live Without You.” Actually, he looked her right in the eye and said, “You are so welcome.”…lol… As if on cue, Harry shows up to the restaurant.
Lisa and Harry have been married for 17 years. They both work at their relationship. In another gratuitous plug tonight, Harry gives Lisa this huge Cartier box that contains a really kewl ring. Lisa explains the significance of it in her blog when she writes, “You see, he gave me a similar ring upon the birth of our firstborn, Delilah Belle, and it had her name engraved on it. The ring meant absolutely everything and when it went missing from our home a few years back, I was beyond devastated. Being the wonderfully thoughtful man he is, HH bought me this one with the three bands all engraved. One with Harry, one with Delilah and one with Amelia. I now have my family with me always.”
Brandi is at her house almost wearing clothes when her friend comes to visit. I’m all for wearing or not wearing whatever you want when you’re alone or with your significant other at your house but come on… You’re filming for a TV show and you’re wearing little more than a very transparent beach cover-up even though no swimming whatsoever was involved… Oh wait, I get it.., it’s another gratuitous plug – but this time the plug is Brandi herself as she lewdly advertises for her future boyfriend/boytoy… #Dontchoke (Sorry, obscure reference to last year’s revelation of one of Brandi’s sexual preferences)… #Donotask.
Brandi explains she’s waiting for a phone call from her attorney about her child support and alimony issues with her ex-husband (Eddie Cibrian). Remember we found out last season that there was a recalculation of all the payments Eddie has made to her over the last 5 years and they found out that he had significantly overpaid Brandi (Like over $100,000). If you just looked at this episode, you would think Eddie’s trying to get out of paying Brandi what she’s due. Honestly, who knows what is really true? What I DO know is this… It would be smarter for Brandi to keep this dirty laundry in the hamper where it belongs, I mean, really – How fun do you think it is for Brandi’s kids to hear their Mom talk about their Dad like this on national TV?
Perhaps Brandi is banking on using FaceTime and hoping her skimpy outfit will get her a lower rate with her attorney. Who knows? She’s using an egg timer to time her phone calls with attorney because you know… they actually BILL for their services and stuff…lol.
In this week’s edition of, “I Kid You Not,” After Brandi blames her continual moving from house to house and not being able to buy a house of her own on this issue with Eddie, she actually says she would rather use this money she’s paying an attorney on her children’s future college education. No seriously, she does…lol. Brandi, could you puhleeze pick a complaint and stick to it? Is this situation keeping you from buying a house or is it keeping your kids from attending college? Oh, and by the way, the reason you’ve had to move 5 times in 5 years is because you’re a horrible and piss poor renter (Emphasis on “piss”…lol) And please, break out the violins cuz it’s not like these kids don’t have a very well-to-do Dad and step mother or anything. She thinks we’re idiots.
Oh, but I almost forgot to tell you the fun part about this whole scene. The rocket scientist Brandi and her friend decide to hang stuff on her new walls. Evidently, Brandi can’t grasp the concept of how to nail anything except but maybe the pool boy cuz she certainly can’t hang a picture on her wall without some sort of screwing being involved… Well, I mean to say, she’s using screws. No seriously, she actually used a screw to almost hang a large frame on her wall… That is until the screw that only went into the wall a tiny bit instantly came out. Okay, I’m refraining from making any more sexual innuendos right here and now….But it’s just really, really hard… ß That’s what SHE said…lololol…(Oops, sorry…lol… smacks myself)… Okay, I’ll try to be good from now on…lol.
It’s family vacation time again for Kyle and her family. They’ve decided to rent a yacht in Spain (Such a rough life, no? I wonder if they’ll consider adopting me – I’m potty trained and have had my shots and everything…lol). Kyle, Mauricio and Portia are clothes shopping for Portia for the trip. They find an adorable dress that says, “I left my Louis in the jet” (Referring to Louis Vuitton purses, luggage, shoes, etc.) Now, for most of us, that would be a hilarious thing for any fashionista to wear unless of course there was any potential for it to be true. Then it becomes ostentatious and obnoxious.
Kyle is determined to make sure Portia understands the value of a dollar and refuses to buy her everything she wants. Kyle tells us that she does NOT want to raise a brat. However, Mauricio wants to spoil Portia rotten because they’ve worked hard for their money. Portia throws a little fit and Mom is quick to correct her attitude. Tears are involved and Portia is so not happy that she didn’t get everything she wanted. But before you shed a tear for poor, little, deprived Portia – They end up spending $564.62 on this little spree alone.
Kim’s daughter Brooke is getting married and everyone is way too excited for words. So obviously, it’s time for Brooke to try on bridal gowns at a local designer’s (Mark Zunino) studio. Kim and Kyle launch into a discussion about how neither one of them are actually “in” the wedding. Fortunately, it’s decided that since Kim is the MOB she will have to get a shiny new dress. Then the Wicked Witch of the West, aka “Kathy Hilton” shows up riding her broomstick that’s somehow gotten lodged up her ass (sorry.. it’s true). Brooke proudly comes out modeling her first bridal dress, and Kathy immediately and intrusively chirps, “It’s pretty – but I don’t see it as the wedding dress” and implied it was more like a cocktail dress. Everyone was shocked and aghast at Kathy’s words. Brooke’s glowing face instantly fell… I only wish that someone had a bucket of water to throw at Kathy’s crazily plastic face so it, too, would fall… Then I could immediately break out into song:
“Ding-dong the witch is dead…Which old witch? That Hilton witch!
Ding-dong that Hilton witch is dead!
Wake up you sleepyhead… Rub your eyes, get out of bed…
Wake up that Hilton witch is dead!
She’s gone where the goblins go,.. Below – Below – Below Yo-ho,
Let’s open up and sing… And ring the bells out.
Ding Dong’s the merry-oh, sing it high, sing it low…
Let them know that Hilton Witch is dead!”
Brandi and Kyle go on a hike in the hills. Brandi is having a house warming party – and has sent “Save the Date” emails to everyone. Kyle is dutifully wearing a ball cap that advertises, “The Agency” while Brandi is inexplicably wearing a knitted beanie…While on a hike.. In the hills of Southern California… (just shakes my head). They’re wearing sleeveless tops so it must be hot. Brandi decides she wants to “cold call” Lisa to see if she’s coming to her fabulous party. Brandi starts out the conversation with, “We haven’t talked for a while… I’m hoping to get back on track with our friendship.” Lisa is kind of awkwardly surprised but quickly and clearly tells Brandi that the crap Brandi said about her throughout last season just doesn’t disappear overnight. I refuse to rehash it yet again. Brandi maintains that Lisa can’t say she’s “Sorry” ever because she’s perfect. Lisa doesn’t think she owes Brandi an apology. Bravo owes us all an apology for putting us through this yet again.
In the middle of their conversation, Brandi’s phone went dead and she was forced to call Lisa back using Kyle’s phone so Lisa wouldn’t think she had hung up on her. Of course, Brandi had the whole conversation on speakerphone and did not tell Lisa that Kyle was there listening. Kyle was pretty innocent in this whole set-up scene, in my opinion – but I’m sure she will have some explaining to do… Kyle and Lisa had just made amends… Oh well… Lisa wants to keep things civil between the two of them. Brandi says, “If you don’t to be my friend that’s fine… but I’m not going to kiss your ass for the rest of my life.” Whatever, Brandi. Brandi says some lame thing about it taking Lisa 10 years to forgive someone. Like I said earlier, I don’t know if Lisa’s has forgiven Brandi or not – but it certainly only took Lisa about 10 minutes to forget her.
Other Things We Learned from this Episode:
~~ Lisa R wonders why no one watches porn…lol… She says, “I mean, how could you not?” I dunno… whether you watch porn or not… But how could you NOT love someone who is so open about it?
~~ Brooke’s Dad has Stage 3 Lung Cancer which has now spread elsewhere.
~~ Portia wants to wear an identical dress as Brooke’s in the wedding… Brooke agreed. .
~~ YoYo is flying to Holland for a week to take care of her Mom who is battling uterine cancer. She has already survived breast cancer.
~~ YoYo and her husband fly on private jets 90% of the time. And the jets are gorgeous!
~~ We barely met Eileen, the new girl – Lisa knows her from her soap opera days. Eileen has won an Emmy.
I think it’s hilarious that the 2 new kids this year are both soap opera stars. I can’t wait for the overly scripted and completely overly-acted drama to ensue… We should have some pretty visual fight scenes coming up…lol… KMN! (Kill me now!)
Thanks for reading… See you next time… Have a most excellent week!
[Photo credit: http://www.bravotv.com/… Credit for original concept of “I Kid You Not” belongs to Penn & Teller]