Welcome back, Shi Shi Shi Shi Shi! (Shout out to VV!) Next week when the show airs, I’m going to be hanging out and chatting while the show airs on the east coast… Hopefully, between now and then I’ll find a good feed to watch here on the west coast… If not, I’ll just jibber jabber… And we ALL know I can jibber jabber… Also, I just wanted to let you guys know that I’m not staying up all night and blogging like I used to do. I just can’t. I mean I will if I have insomnia… but I’m not purposefully staying up… So the postings may be later in the day than they used to – but it’s the best I can do at this point.
Yolanda is trying anything and everything to try to feel well again. She’s told by her health professional to “be patient.” She says she’s been patient for 3 years. She’s over being sick. However, she rallied herself to attend Lisa and her lips’ birthday party, at least for a short time. Yolanda’s make-up stayed home. Harry Hamlin is like #484 on Lisa and her lips’ speed dial. We have all started calling Harry Hamlin by his first and last name cuz that’s what the kewl kids are doing.
Sadly, we also saw how Eileen was grappling with the death of Vince’s Dad, Dick Van Patten.
Let’s get all the YoYo stuff done with first since they were my least favorite scenes of the whole episode. YoYo is grasping at straws trying to figure out what’s wrong with her. She has a couple of diagnoses… And prolly more than that. She has a former Lyme Disease survivor (Daisy) who pays it forward her own recovery by helping others as their health advocate while they battle the disease. You gotta love that… I suppose the cynic in me questions everyone’s real intentions… but I’m going to shove those feelings down deep. But I’m glad that someone is by Yolanda’s side that has lived through the disease and come out on the other side. I suppose hanging with the wealthy and being on a reality show has some perks.
Speaking of wealth, I’ve been seeing lots of articles and comments about how “broke” YoYo is at this point. I don’t know how much her Malibu mansion sold for… but come the heck on. I know these treatments are very expensive – but I hope she’s been smart about it. Hopefully, David helped out, too – but who knows how much David actually paid for? I think there’s a lot of stupid rumors out there right now… It’s hard to know the truth.
I think it was very interesting that YoYo said that she wasn’t going to move out of that condo (David’s from before they were married) until she gets better. Foreshadowing of a divorce she knew was coming?
Anyhoo… Eileen “That Tramp (I now love)” and Lisa and her lips arrive to visit YoYo. As Daisy was showing them around the condo, a remark was made about wanting to know what was in the various closets. It’s hilarious… Some of us are incredibly and insatiably curious about closets, aren’t we? And medicine cabinets… Raise your hand if you’ve ever “snooped” at someone’s house?
Fortunately, Eileen and Lisa don’t hafta snoop cuz Daisy was more than happy to show them a closet that contained the entire contents of a CVS pharmacy. I got a little HIPAA violation itch in seeing someone else’s medicinal menu, but then I remember that this is all with the approval of YoYo.
This visit is obviously arranged and choreographed… I mean YoYo had a camera team in her perfectly coiffed bedroom. YoYo was lounging with her reading glasses on and when she heard the women arriving, she dramatically took them off and put her head on the pillow. Wait… Does she still read?… There’s a book on the bed… Anyhoo…
The women come into her bedroom for all of 5 seconds and then they all adjourn to the living room. I would have thought her guests would have been shown to the living room to begin with and YoYo could have already been sitting there or could have joined them upon their arrival. Maybe it’s just me… It just felt a little wonky. But then I also felt it was wonky during last week’s episode when YoYo stood and greeted everyone individually, too… Cuz like, when you’re feeling yucky and weak, that’s hard to do. I know it sounds silly – but it is.
As the women begin to chat, we learn all about the parasites recently found in Yolanda (2 feet long)… Fun colonic talk ensued and Lisa self-disclosed she hadn’t hand one in quite a while so she’s likely full of crap… I think they’re all full of crap which is why there is a colonic industry… and yes, it is an industry now. I watched Real Housewives of Atlanta a couple of weeks ago and was treated to Porsha having a colonic. Sigh. I like watching women have colonics almost as much as I enjoy watching them get waxed… Or having breast enhancement/removal surgery… Or… or…
Or… Going to the dentist. Ugh! There is a scene of YoYo and Daisy going to YoYo’s dentist to get her metal fillings removed. That dentist looks familiar… Hmmm… Anyhoo (I’m saying that a lot… I wonder why? It must be the new fad that’s sweeping the nation). I guess YoYo’s bloodwork shows high levels of some metals so she is doing everything she can to eliminate potential sources. I’d check out the ingredients in the contents of that pharmacy you have in your closet… She’s grasping at straws and I don’t blame her at all. She’s not only grasping for herself, but for Anwar and Bella as well (they both have been diagnosed with Lyme disease, too).
Speaking of Anwar, he is a cutie and you can really see the family resemblance. Lisa R’s teenaged daughter thinks he’s Kewl MaGool, too – She was too excited for words when he just looked at her… lol… And she’s SO going to kill her Mom for revealing that little tidbit on national television. Well, maybe not… Maybe that’s just me projecting what I’d do… Not that my Mother EVER embarrassed me about a boy or anything… Nope, nope, nope… lol. Fortunately, it wasn’t on national TV. But since I truly believe an essential part of a mother’s job is to embarrass her kids… I’ve obviously let it go. Yeah, right!
How am I turning red just thinking about it all these years later? lol
Under the Hot Tuscan Sun
Meanwhile, in Tuscany… Kyle and her family are yachting on their amazing vacation. I would LOVE to travel with them. I could go as Kyle’s personal jewelry stylist. I could organize the HECK out of her earrings.
They invited Lisa and Ken to hang with them in the villa in Tuscany. Mauricio is clear that it’s just family time on the yacht this season. Remember last season, YoYo had to make a quick escape after finding out about Bella’s automobile accident…
Kyle’s family will be travelling the French Riviera, Tuscany, Florence, and ultimately to London – for Kyle’s niece, Nicky Hilton’s wedding to a Rothschild in the Kensington Gardens, at Kensington Palace (of course she is…). She is marrying into one of the wealthiest families in the world, if not THE wealthiest.
By the way, the yacht is gorgeous. The food looks amazing. However, I looked and I don’t think they furnished a mermaid like they do on “Below Deck.” Just sayin’….
The villa they will be staying at ends up being an hour and a half away from port. This is problematic for Mauricio and the Ferrari he rented for this part of the trip. Kyle and the rest of the family take a van to the Villa (I think there was a driver involved) while Mauricio and one of his daughters gets hopelessly lost. Unfortunately, Mauricio has a hangie down thingie so evidently it’s impossible for him to stop and ask for directions. It is hot, hot, hot in Tuscany. Driving around the countryside in a convertible may sound fun… But in the heat, it just means the oven-temperature air hits you that much faster.
Fortunately, upon their arrival at the villa, they are greeted by an official butler. He has alcohol – so that will take the edge off of their journey. I can’t believe he doesn’t know how old the villa is… I mean isn’t that part of your job – to know everything there is to know about the villa? The cynic in me seems to think it must mean that it was recently built… but what do I know?
As Ken and Lisa make their way to the villa, Vanderpinky remarks how much she loves Europe and the Amalfi Coast. Lisa can’t help but throw shade on Yolanda’s comments from last season about how going there year after year had become old for her and it felt like it was more like a job than a fantastic travel destination. Everyone got out their miniature violins to play for poor, poor Yolanda having to travel to the Amalfi Coast.
We know from this episode that one of the main reasons this trip was planned at all was because it culminated with Nicky Hilton’s big Kensington Palace wedding in London. At one point, Kyle had asked Lisa Vanderpinky to bring her a dress for her to wear at the wedding. Then a couple days before the trip, Kyle tells Lisa she doesn’t have to bring the dress because she’s not invited to the wedding after all.
Fast forward to their first dinner in the villa, Kyle tells Lisa that she IS going to the wedding after all. Farrah (27) and Portia (7) are both in the wedding. However, Alexia (19) and Sophia (14) are not invited because “children” are not invited. Since when is a 19-year-old considered to be a child?
Mauricio is definitely not invited which probably has to do with business issues and his ugly break off from Hilton’s real estate empire. But I thought an event like this is where you suck it up, if, for no other reason, than to show that you’re a bigger man about the situation. It really shows how small the Hiltons seem to be in this situation. I’m sorry that Nicky had to make that horrible choice. Or maybe Nicky is pissed off at Mauricio, too.
This whole thing of inviting only 2 of 4 cousins from the same family is really messed up to me – and Lisa was trying to wrap her mind around it, too. This was new information to her. She expresses to Kyle that she had witnessed first-hand the continuing manipulations of Kyle’s two sisters. She was incredulous that Kyle was still going to a wedding where her husband was specifically not invited. She stopped herself before saying she would never do that – but she really can’t say that – because her family is not constructed the same way.
Follow the money… Just saying…
Kyle explains that Mauricio encouraged her to go. I mean, seriously, every husband in the world would LOVE to get out of going to a wedding. I suspect the Hiltons don’t want Mauricio to get within 100 miles of the Rothschilds and their billions in assets and numerous business opportunities. Ever. Kyle asked Lisa to please stop talking about the subject. But Lisa continued on while enveloping her comments with a kind of “I don’t want to stick my nose in where it doesn’t belong” or “overstep my boundaries.”
What I don’t get is that when Kyle was officially “uninvited” – Were her daughters no longer in the wedding at that point, too? Cuz event weddings like that one took months and months to plan and to suddenly have 2 fewer bridal attendants would have put quite the kink in the plans.
Mercifully, Alexia politely asks that they not talk about the subject any more on this trip. Mauricio authoritatively says, “Done.”
Other Things I Learned this Episode
- While Lisa Vanderpinky was packing for Italy, Ken was busy stabbing Kyle in the back. He was so judgmental about Kyle’s preference of wearing “Mumus” and how Kyle and Lisa wear the same size of clothing even though Lisa is much taller. I dunno, I think Kyle should wear whatever she wants – It was just last week when I thought she wore something way too short for my liking and I had to stop and laff at myself. Color me eclectic, but I really like the long flowy dresses. I also think that Rayon is a highly overlooked fabric in the fashion industry. But that’s a whole nuther Oprah. I don’t like this side of Ken.
- I love that Bravo is allowing us several scenes of the Vanderpinky closet. I wonder what’s the value of all the items in that closet? I mean, I want details… How much was paid for each item? What’s value of them now? How often are they used, if ever? It would prolly make me nauseated. Speaking of yucky stuff… I’m getting over the flu that’s going around and it’s not pleasant at all. In fact, it prompted me to post, “Vomiting is overrated” on Facebook and Twitter. I know some of you have had it, too… My heart goes out to you. I hate it… I hate throwing up… For me, it was a little scary, too. All kinds of things run through your head. Fortunately, at the moment, I’m feeling human – Well, as human as an alien can feel. Allegedly. Cue Twilight Zone music here…
- Elaine “That Tramp (I now love)” and her husband Vinny (My boyfriend) travel to Palm Springs to visit his recently deceased Father’s star on the Palm Springs Walk of Stars. Dick VP also has a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. I love Dick Van Patten – I think everyone did. He was the real deal. However, the staging that’s required to make a reality show poignant doesn’t correlate with my preference for grieving to be private. I just want Vince and Eileen to be able to grieve in the privacy of their own world where eight minus one will never be enough again.
- We learn that Lisa and her lips still don’t see her parents as often as she would like (Remember, they live out of state). Nor does she call them as often as she’d like. Now, I don’t know if she calls them 4 times a week and would like to call them more than that or what… But Lisa, my friend, you’ve GOT to make time to visit them… NOW while you can… I mean, it’s entirely possible that he’s said he doesn’t want you to see him in his condition – and that he wants you to remember him when he was full of health… But really, go anyway… Please know that while the failing health images may be initially hard to overcome, but time gently replaces them with those from the good years. You’re gonna kick yourself if you don’t. Trust me.
- Ken’s 70th birthday is coming up and Lisa decides to buy him a teeny tiny horse. The two Lisas are going to be traveling to Ohio to pick up the horse. Lisa knows she needs a horse-sitter for a couple of days in order for it to be a surprise on Ken’s birthday. The problem is that the horse has to sleep in a bed with the horse-sitter. Lisa and her lips are laffing at the visual of her husband, Harry Hamlin laying on his side, the horse next to him, and Lisa on the other end all spooning together. I don’t care what size the horse is – It takes a big man to actually sleep in a bed with a horse without feeling somewhat… inadequate. It takes “hung like a horse” to a whole nuther level, no? I wonder if this is all part of Vanderpinky’s plan to keep Ken’s amorous advances at bay – “Sorry honey, we can’t have sex tonight cuz there’s horse in our way.” Would you save the horse, and ride the cowboy? Okay… I’m gonna stop now before I really get myself into trouble. But if it’s too late, I’ll blame it on being delirious from the fever I’ve had for the last couple of days.
“Apparently, if you have a penis, you never get lost.” Kyle, talking about Mauricio’s getting lost while driving his rented Ferrari around Tuscany.
“She’s not used to something as fashionable as that.” “Have you got a Mumu – She loves those.” Ken talking about Kyle’s fashion sense when Lisa shows him a dress she wants to bring for Kyle to wear at Nicky Hilton’s wedding.
“You only need two – And just have a little black dress and a little white dress, and put different accessories on them and you’re done.” Mauricio’s wonderfully simplifying feedback to Kyle on how many outfits she should pack for their extensive trip.
“We’re gonna live bigger and better for you – Because you loved life more than anyone I know.” Vince paying homage to his Dad as he looks down at his star on the Palm Springs Walk of Stars. Pass the tissues.
“And what about sex… No sex for 48 hours?” David laughingly asks the dentist after YoYo’s procedure.
“Aren’t you happy you married me?” Yolanda asks David as he leaves the dentist office. “Thrilled” he replied – I’m sure he was trying to be funny – but it’s kinda not so funny in light of their current divorce proceedings.
“Especially when people drink at lunchtime and sleep in the afternoon – which always worked for me.” Lisa Vanderpinky on the different sensibilities and attitudes of people living in Europe.
“I’m so full of it right now.” Lisa and her lips talking about how she hasn’t had a colonic in quite a while.
That’s it for this week… Thanks so much for reading! Hope to see you next week… Please join us to chat while the show is airing – so we can snark together!
[Photo credit: Photos have been obtained from pictures and videos accessible at http://www.bravotv.com/, or from The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Facebook page… Credit for original concept of “I Kid You Not” belongs to Penn & Teller]