The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Stronger Than Ever” – S7/E1
AKA: “I Have a Bad Feeling About This”
Yay! They’re back! We can FINALLY look at all the other crappy housewife franchises through the rear view mirror in the brand spanking new Tesla we’re driving away in… That WAS a brand new Tesla Harry Hamlin gave to Lisa & Her Lips, right? <Le Sigh> (My “sighs” will have various accents this season ‘cuz the new girl’s tagline tells us we can speak with any accent we want. I’m still working on my Australian accent – So for now, my horrible French accent will have to do…)
Speaking of taglines this season… Here they are… Along with some unsolicited commentary…
Lisa Vanderpinkie – “The crown is heavy, darlings, so just leave it where it belongs.“ Clearly, you’re not going to the right dentist.
Erika Girardi – “I may be two people, but I’m not two-faced.” No, you have WAY more faces than that… Fortunately, you’re rich enough to hire an entire makeup army to glam them ALL up…
Lisa (& Her Lips) Rinna – “My advice to you: Don’t hustle the hustler.” How cute, she thinks being called a “hustler” is a GOOD thing… Dagnabit, I know all season long I’m gonna wanna “Do The Hustle.”
Eileen (That Tramp I Used to Love but Now Not So Much) Davidson – “I speak no evil… but I see and hear everything.” Wait, is this a monkey reference? Well, I guess that’s appropriate ‘cuz having you around IS about as pleasant as having a monkey on your back – Just stop throwing crap around this season, okay?
Dorit (Who?) Kemsley – “When you travel the world, you can speak in any accent you want.” I hope we like the new girl as much as we like accents… ‘Cuz we REALLY love accents, no?
Kyle Richards – “I’m an expert on luxury and I can always spot a fake.” That’s very convenient ‘cuz that means it’s easy for you to pick out the “fakes” to sell at your clothing store, no?
I really have mixed feelings about this cast… Their egos are all so unbelievably inflated that they constantly have to be physically tethered to the ground or else they’d fly off into the sky like an escaped balloon from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. By the way, I used to love, love, LOVE watching the MTDP… but now… not so much. It’s just gotten way too focused on vocalists lip-syncing songs you’ve never heard of in your life rather than on parade-y kinds of things for my taste… but I digress…
I think I might actually really like the new girl “Dorit” – I mean Boy George lives with her so she really can’t be ALL bad, right? She’s been married to her husband “PK” for a couple of years, though they’ve been together for over 5. I always thought “PK” meant “Pre-Kindergarten.” Let’s hope that’s not describing the maturity level of the castmates this year…
Things I Loved…
- Kyle actually wore Birkenstocks on national TV. Okay, so they were a tad bling-y… but they were still Birkenstocks. However, I do kinda think she misunderstood the shoe salespeople when they asked if she wanted a pair of “Birkens” and she enthusiastically said “Yes!” ‘cuz she mistakenly thought they meant 2 Birkin bags.
- I love, love, LOVE Kyle’s new haircut… It’s so much lighter for her but I’m concerned she might not be able to whip it around while dancing like she used to… Fortunately, it won’t impact her ability to do the splits.
- While at dinner with Kyle and the new girl (including spouses), you could actually see Lisa Vanderpinkies’ dog, Giggy, give the new dog, Harrison, some jealous side-eye and a little growl. Harrison, I wouldn’t mess with THAT bitch… Just sayin’… lol.
- Erika, Eileen, and Kyle are staying in contact with YoYo – who, according to Erika, is taking some time off (from the show) to rest and recover – Shockingly, YoYo feels 75% better now. It’s a miracle! <Le Sigh>
- I loved what everyone was wearing for Erika’s Studio 54 birthday party – I just couldn’t get any good screenshots of them because the party was outside at night with wonky lighting. Oh well… If you didn’t watch the episode you’ll hafta trust me… On second thought, trusting me is NEVER a good idea… lol.
- I also loved that when Erika’s cake came out that she didn’t make a wish. She explained that her wish came true when she meet Tom… Awww… That almost melts my cynical, icy, cold heart…
Things I Didn’t Love…
- It was sad to learn that both Lisa Rinna and Eileen recently lost a parent. Eileen lost hers right before they filmed last season’s reunion show but she didn’t say anything about it because she didn’t want it to be a subject they talked about on the reunion. I totally understand and respect that choice. My heart goes out to both of them. Losing a parent is tough.
- I didn’t love how the husbands are already trying desperately to flex their financial potency for the cameras. I suspect that we will see them try to “out-do” each other by giving extravagant gifts to their wives throughout the season. Perhaps my tune would change if I was their wife, lol. Actually, I don’t receive gifts very well… so it would bug me. However, I DO know this is RHOBH and lavish gifts are to be expected – but it was just weird how expensive purchases were dripped all over this opening episode.
- As previously mentioned, Harry Hamlin gave Lisa Rinna a Tesla with a ginormous bow on the roof (At least I think it was a Tesla…lol) Harry will now get to drive Lisa’s old car… They talk about how great it is to have a car that has “some speed” to it… Okay, now you’ve just really gotta laff ‘cuz they live in a place where traffic and traffic cops prevent you from speeding in 95% of the places where they’re driving. Maybe they’ll move somewhere flat with wide open spaces like Oklahoma. Perhaps Taylor Armstrong will go “all Oklahoma” on Rinna’s ass while she’s there. I kid, I kid…
- Erika got a Marc Chagall painting (Tom’s favorite painter) for her birthday from Tom – or more accurately, I think Tom pretended to gift it to Erika but was really just looking for an excuse to boast about his latest art acquisition on the show. Erika tells us that Chagall’s paintings can easily sell for $1 million. Since her mama didn’t raise no dummy, Erika smartly asked Tom on camera if it was a gift for HER or for THEM… But don’t worry boys and girls… Tom also gave Erika yet another panther ring (I think she has at least 3 of the 39 rings from the “Panthere de Cartier” collection. This particular ring is valued at $78,500 (You can see a pretty good picture of it if you scroll down through the collection on the link above). <Le Sigh>
- Later, Kyle and Mauricio talked with Tom about how they looked at an airplane they’re thinking about buying. If you remember, Tom or Tom’s business owns 2 jets. Airplanes are prohibitively expensive – The costs of housing, staffing, and gassing them is absolutely ridiculous. However, I think Mauricio is expanding the geographical horizons of his business so it’s prolly an okay investment. Time IS money for them…
- I know Dorit is the new girl and all, and I should be nice – but the whole scene of her making travel arrangements (from New York to Milan… From Milan to London, From London to bladiity blah, blah, blah) just reeked of snobby self-importance. Fortunately, she has 2 adorable kids (Jagger – 2 years old and Phoenix – 4 months old). Then she boasted about employing a million people to help run their very busy, very important lives. They employ Peggy (Phoenix’s personal nurse), Neila (Jagger’s nanny), Tatiana (backup nanny), Isabelle (weekend nanny), 3 full-time housekeepers, and Tiffany (PK’s assistant). Whew… That’s a lot of non-disclosure agreements to notarize.
- I wasn’t crazy at how Boy George boasted that people pay $500 for a “Meet and Greet” with him. Did I mention that he’s living with Dorit and PK? Clearly, Boy George IS the reason Dorit was cast on this show… It just hit me wrong that the same person who is sponging off his own manager’s kindness is boasting about people paying insane amounts of money just for a couple of words and a selfie with him. In other news, Boy George recently was on “Celebrity Apprentice” with Kyle – so there is a Boy George connection there, too.
Don’t Say It
Kyle and the necklace that choked her to death told us in her talking head interview (TH) that there are some words/phrases that she NEVER wants to hear again: “bipolar,” “manipulative,” “Munchausen,” “sniper,” and “own it.” I shudder at the memories those words bring up from last season…
I’ll add to the list, “journey” (Reference to the band is okay, but anything else is not), any derivatives of “you don’t have my back” (Unless you’re saying it before you do one of those 70s ‘trust falls’ when you fall backwards and hafta trust that someone is gonna catch you before you hit the ground with a thud), “bullying” (When it applies to ANYONE on this show unless they’re referring to someone physically taking their lunch money at school), and anything related to owing someone an apology. Speaking of Eileen…
It Ain’t Gonna Happen
Eileen (That Tramp I used to love but now not so much) is STILL carrying around a ginormous grudge against Vanderpinkie ‘cuz she asked Eileen a question a million years ago about the affair she had with Vince (Eileen’s husband). The only reason any of us even remember that conversation at all is because Eileen talks about it incessantly.
Then, Eileen’s widdle feelings were hurt when the apology Lisa offered wasn’t genuine enough for her (She’s right, it wasn’t genuine ‘cuz Lisa doesn’t really think she did anything wrong). I think Eileen is looking for an Oscar for all of her on-camera over-dramatics… Fortunately, she’ll get orange slices and a participation trophy and she’s not even a millennial!
Eileen (That Tramp I used to love but now not so much) is shocked that Vanderpinkie is not welcoming her with open arms <Insert gratuitous eye roll here> Lol… Eileen cattily told us she doesn’t think Lisa liked her having a conversation with the new girl. I agree that Lisa looked a tad perturbed at that point – but I have no idea why… I dunno, maybe Eileen is right… but she’s just so danged snotty about it.
I will say that Eileen looks STUNNING this season… In the last couple of seasons much has been said about her clothes, her shoes, her bags… the word “frumpy” may or may not have been used here and there… allegedly… I still say that people should be able to wear what they want… but a fashionista I am not. I suspect Eileen has a new stylist… perhaps more than 1…
Erika’s 45 So It’s A “Studio 54” Party
Oh, I get what she did with the numbers there – she just flipped them… Actually, it’s prolly just a coincidence, but since part of my job is to read things into a situation… I’m gonna say there was some deep psychological reason for it… Perhaps I’ll start a vicious rumor about it or something like other bloggers do… hmmm….
Erika explains that her reasoning for having a Studio 54-themed party is because, “Studio 54 was a fabulous time – It’s a time when people were being really free – and cocaine wasn’t addictive… allegedly…”
I thought Erika’s explanation was kinda odd, no? Why are we glorifying drugs? We’ve talked a lot about how some of the women on these housewife shows doing drugs and stuff but I naively just want to ignore it most of the time. Drugs (and copious amounts of alcohol) are way too prevalent throughout their social circles (and all of our circles, actually)… I just hate to think that something horrible will happen to any of them (or us) because of it… Life is just way, way too short…
Erika made a big deal about planning her own birthday party. She gloated about how she didn’t hafta work within the pesky confines of an actual budget like we mortals are required to do. She just picked out whatever she wanted since she only turns 45 once in a lifetime.
Too bad she didn’t pick out food. People were completely STARVING at the party because there was no food anywhere in sight… By the time the cake finally arrived, people trampled over each other just to get a sliver of it… Or even just to get a small piece of an icing bow off of it (Sorry, random RHOC reference…lol).
Later, in a TH that’s filmed way after-the-fact, Erika said that she didn’t think people cared much about food at a party like this. Huh? I wouldn’t expect a sit-down dinner necessarily – but I would expect lots of fun appetizers, no? I mean, even if you ARE a big drinker and you’re all about the alcohol being served, don’t you also care about eating?
It’s true, I’m sure people who went to Studio 54 didn’t go there for the food… but THIS is NOT Studio 54 – It’s a birthday party. Let them eat more than just cake, dagnabit! I think Erika prolly got some flak for not having food at her party so she made a point of commenting in her TH about it as a preventive strike.
So much can be said about Erika but I really don’t think that she purposefully didn’t include food for her party… I kinda think Production had their grimy little hands in this just to create drama… There was a point during the party when Erika murmured something about being surprised that appetizers weren’t being passed around…
Erika hired an official greeter nicknamed “Pussy Control” to ensure guests were officially “on the list” before they were allowed beyond the velvet rope barricade. Evidently, the late artist, Prince, gave the woman her nickname and she’s been making money off of it ever since.
Okay, now this really cracked me up… Instead of playing music from the “Studio 54” era, Erika ensured her song “Pain Killer” was loudly blaring as the filming started for her party… lol… Talk about gratuitous self-promotion, no? And get this… Erika’s songs continued to play throughout the duration of the party! I’m sorry, but this was very hilarious to me for some reason. I mean, seriously, who does that?
I can’t imagine Adelle playing her own songs at her birthday party… But to be fair, Adelle’s songs are not exactly all that party-ish I guess.… Let’s see… Would Taylor Swift play her own songs? No – but I could imagine her picking out specific songs just to make a point… What about Beyoncé? I doubt even Beyoncé would play her own music. You know who would play their own music during their own birthday party? Kanye. Kanye West is so in love with himself that he listens and sings along to his own songs even when he’s schtooping Kim. Okay, I am genuinely sorry I put that visual in your mind… <Passes around the eye bleach>
Lisa Vanderpinkie loves the 80s… Personally, I think Lisa’s hair is permanently stuck in the 80s. Perhaps too much hairspray or Mousse in a Can? Lisa tells us that she filmed the Poison Arrow video the night before she started dating Ken and six weeks later they were engaged. Wait, what? Lisa was in a music video?
As I wrote this blog, I decided to watch the video that Lisa mentioned. I can’t believe I’ve never seen it… lol. Where have I been? The early shots in the video look a tad more Lisa-like than the rest – but by the end of the video I was convinced that it was NOT Lisa in the video at all. Then I found a “Throwback Thursday” article that Bravo posted last year on their website about the subject. Clearly, I was wrong… but watch it for yourself (the link to the video is in the article) and let me know what YOU think… lol…
Kyle also has connections with the Studio 54 era. Kyle used to go to Studio 54 with her Mom and her sister Kathy (Hilton). She was 10 at the time. They used to hang out with Andy Warhol and Rick James. Kyle told us that Andy used to have a Pentax camera and would take random pictures of people as he was talking to them. Kyle explains that her Mother didn’t believe in rules and basically did whatever the heck she wanted. #ParentOfTheYear
Eileen made a big deal about giving Erika Jayne a role on the Young and the Restless for her birthday present (as IF that’s something Eileen herself could give). Erika thinks it’s the coolest present ever… I wonder what jealous-Tom thinks about his wife’s over-the-top reaction to Eileen’s gift after he generously lavished Erika with so much stuff this year – Did I mention he arranged for Erika’s adorable Mom to fly in and surprise her at her party?
I think it’s kewl to find out more about the background of these women. This week, we learn that Erika’s Mom was only 18 when Erika was born. She did marry Erika’s Dad but he left them when Erika was only 9 months old.
Oh, and we discovered this filed under “Things Not At ALL Surprising” – Erika tells us that she basically didn’t wear clothes until she was like 3-years old. She just ran around everywhere in her underwear. I’m shocked… SHOCKED I say.
We also find out that years ago (45 to be exact…lol) that Erika’s Mother was pregnant when All My Children (another soap opera) first came on the air. Erika’s Mom decided to name her daughter after Erica Kane (Susan Lucci’s character on the show). Interesting…
“I’d rather be better than bitter – That’s my new motto.” – Lisa & Her Lips in her TH after saying she can’t control anyone else’s choices – that she can only do what SHE wants to do. Right, ‘cuz it’s not like all last season she said just the opposite. <Le Sigh>
“You’re definitely in your mid-forties at 45.” – Erika Jayne regarding her birthday. #CaptainObvious
Erika told her husband that she was so happy that it was her birthday so that she could do anything she wanted. Tom slyly said, “Just like every other day.” Zing! Lol…
“I wouldn’t wanna say that she’s an upgrade – that would be bitchy – but I kinda just did.” –
Lisa Vanderpinkie about new cast member Dorit who is now the 2nd wife to Lisa’s good friend PK.
“I don’t have time for a whole lotta bullsh** right now.” – Lisa R in her talking head about getting over stuff that happened last season.
“I’m sorry I’m late – but I had a 911 situation… I forgot lip gloss.” – Kyle to Erika and Eileen when she walked into a restaurant late.
“We are constantly surrounded by celebrities.” – Dorit in her TH let us know just how important she thinks she is.
“What a dump!” – Boy George to no one in particular as he walked in the front door of Dorit’s house.
In the first conversation between the two Lisas since last season, Vanderpinkie talks to Lisa & Her Lips about the long wig Rinna’s wearing, “Well that wig didn’t get pulled from the back, did it? ‘Cuz I might give it a tug later…” Then Vanderpinkie leans in and speaks directly into Lisa & Her Lips’ ear and says, “I think it would be well deserved.” Oh, snap!
“People change… Lisa Vanderpump and I could actually have a meeting of the minds at some point – You never know… I mean look at what happened after the Vietnam War… Everybody’s going to Vietnam on vacation now.” – Eileen in her TH about her relationship with Lisa Vanderpinkie. It’s nice Eileen has hired writers for her THs this season, no?
“I’m coming back stronger than ever.” – Lisa Vanderpinkie is resolute in her TH – The scene being described is when PK prodded Lisa to join in with the others as they danced during the Studio 54 Party.
That’s it for this first episode… I dunno what I expected but I was a tad disappointed for some reason. I can’t put my finger on it. There were faces I didn’t want to see back… but I was happy about faces I didn’t see, too. Why wasn’t YoYo at Erika’s 45th birthday party? I mean they’re such GREAT friends, no?
Anyhoo… I hope your week isn’t too crazy. We’ve faced The Great Pantry Flood of 2016 this week – along with weathering some other kinds of stuff. It’s a weird Christmas for us – but Mr. Stars and I sat down and analyzed what we could do to make this Christmas special. It was an awesome conversation that led into a plan of action for this holiday season.
We concluded there was really nothing materially that we wanted this year… Oh, sure we will give each other some little stuff to open on Christmas – but it’s so NOT what is important to us at all.
Thanks so much for reading… I appreciate it.
Video of the Week
Because sharing is caring especially during this holiday season – I offer you this adorable YouTube video that was posted by Viral Momento entitled, “Two Cats Fighting (Politely) Over Milk.” There are several shortened versions of this video around – but this one was pretty great!