Real Housewives of Orange County (RHOC)
“It’s Either My Way or the Feng Shui” – S12/E2
AKA: “Getting Feng Shui-ed – Not In A Good Way”
Warning: If you are easily offended… This may not be a post you want to read. I may or may not have gone a tad too far with some of my snark and innuendos… You have been warned…
OMG OMG OMG… I have so much residual crankiness towards the RHOC that I’ve kept putting off writing about them… I even told myself I wasn’t allowed to write about my beloved Real Housewives of New York until I got this RHOC article posted… Yet I STILL put it off until the very last minute… lol. Oh well… lol.
The BEST part of this season’s group shot above is that Vicki is NOT in the center of the picture and I know how much that is pissing her off right about now… lol. I confess I take way too much delight when anything happens that pisses off Vicki… lol.
Things That STILL Make Me Cranky About the RHOC
- Vicki’s complicity with Brooks’ lies about him having cancer. I will NEVER ever get over it. The lie was horrific enough – but the cover-up was even worse. She is NOT a victim of his lies… She was complicit in perpetuating them to us all (A medical notebook that was clearly never read… Medical appointments she never actually attended… The knowledge that Brooks blew off an appointment w/Shannon’s world-renowned cancer expert… and the bogus copies of medical scans never conducted – to name just a few…).
- Meghan’s stubborn refusal drive a measly 5/10 minutes to visit Vicki who was alone in a hospital ICU following what could have been a life/death situation after a dune buggy accident. I mean, come on… Vicki IS at the very least a work colleague who was stranded an hour and a half away from her nearest friend… Meghan could have at least shown up to throw ice chips at her or to pull out her oxygen tube…. (I kid, I kid…)… Or am I? lol…
- We were evilly taunted for the last couple of seasons about the extreme fabulousness of Heather Dubrow’s new McMansion as they were constructing it. However, since Her Royal Heatherness is NOT back on the show this season we may never actually see said McMansion. That’s just wrong on so many levels. Instead we’re stuck with YouTube videos of Her Royal Heatherness alone in her closet. Oh joy… oh rapture.
- I’m not a Kelly, fan but it was pretty gross how everyone was totally conspiring to get her drunk last season on their Ireland trip in hopes she would act like a complete idiot. Kelly really doesn’t need any extra help – She can act like an idiot all on her own, thank you very much.
- I hated how David, the lying cheater who cheats, threw Shannon a surprise birthday/vow renewal party. Shannan was very surprised and touched by his kindness. It’s too bad he’s not touching her in other ways – if you know what I mean… Personally, I think she was just happy he was paying any attention to her at all. I’m just hoping his mistress wasn’t booked in the upstairs honeymoon suite.
- I hate that at the end of last season, Vicki outed David’s domestic violence-related arrest from way back in 2003. Allegedly, he pled guilty to misdemeanor counts of “assault” and “battery against a cohabitant.” The couple has 3 daughters who may or may not have known about the incident before this show aired. Even IF they DID know about it, all of their school friends now know about it, too. All because of a stupid reality show. All because Vicky is viciously vile.
- I hate how Vicki continues to speak nastily about Eddie (Tamra’s husband). She perpetuates rumors about Eddie being gay. These rumors have been around since the beginning of time – or at least since Eddie needed a ginormous swig of wine before getting into a candle-lit bathtub with Tamra many moons ago. I don’t care how people’s bread gets buttered – or if it gets buttered at all. I just care that there’s bread… (I may or may not be hungry at the moment)… The thing is, Vicki talks about Eddie being gay in such a way that she’s intending to shade Eddie like she thinks that being gay is such a horrible thing. Personally, I think it would be a vast improvement for Eddie.
- I don’t especially like Meghan, but her husband’s continued complete and total apathy and indifference towards her is blood chilling.
- Lydia is back this season and it reminds me of how HORRIBLE Briana’s chump of a husband Ryan treated Lydia’s Mom when she dared put her feet up on a couch in Vicki’s house. We heard him scream at Lydia’s Mom for no apparent reason… and yet he has never apologized to her. I’m sure both Lydia and her Mom have long since forgiven him – but this viewer hasn’t – there is just NO excuse.
Being Feng Shui-ed
I admit that I don’t know much about Feng Shui. I’ve always thought it was about bringing balance and harmony into your life and environment in a positive way. Bringing peace into the world is always a good thing, right?
So, like, I mean no disrespect to anyone who sincerely embraces and practices genuine Feng Shui in their lives…
However, as with any belief system, it’s the exploiting of it for personal gain that I have issues with… So if you do practice Feng Shui… you might want to skip this next section…
Things I Learned About Feng Shui from This Episode
I dunno… Should a “Feng Shui Expert” ever be named, “Elaine”? ‘Cuz when I think of “Elaine” I think of really bad dancing on Seinfeld.
Out with the Old – In with the New – Cha-Ching!
Shannon brought a lot of her Feng Shui elements in a bin from their previous house. Elaine cautions her that a lot of the items she had she won’t want to use in the new house. Elaine advised that she wouldn’t want to bring some of the energies from that house into this house…
Elaine told her that she would want to use different things… I’m sure Elaine has suggestions of some brand NEW items for a reasonable price that she just happens to have access to…
Plus, if Shannon is one of the first 100 callers, she will get a free genuine, imitation crystal necklace with a handy carrying case with purchase and she’ll only have to pay additional shipping and handling charges of $9,999.99. But wait… There’s more… The offer can be doubled… lol… Of course the shipping and handling charges will double, too.
Things Can Get “Crappy”
Shannon: “How is the relationship corner in this house?”
Elaine (Feng Shui Expert): “It’s not good – because you have a toilet right in the relationship area.”
So Shannon is in real trouble. However, I think it accurately symbolizes how crappy Shannon’s relationship with David really is… Or maybe that Shannon’s husband is, and always has been, full of crap…
No, no, no… Wait… It’s a sign… It’s NOT Feng Shui at all… It’s a danged SIGN from the Universe that Shannon should flush David down the toilet and out of her life, right?
Or maybe Shannon’s next boyfriend will be named, “John”… or maybe that David IS a “John”…. Lol…
Any way you look at it… Having a toilet in your relationship area is NOT a good thing.
We have a Rocky & Bullwinkle pinball machine in our relationship corner… The Dad of one of my best friends from my childhood used to call me “Rocky” which was a progression of my name from Sandy… to Pebbles… to Rocky… And when you add that to the fact that my husband is ALWAYS trying to pull things out of his hat like Bullwinkle… Clearly, we were MFEO, right?
Appliances Have Genders
According to Elaine, “The sink is female (Yin)…the stove is male (Yang)… Sometimes when the sink and the stove are opposite of each other – the male and the female energies of the house can be in conflict.”
So like, everyone’s divorces could be solved by buying new appliances or by repositioning the ones they have, right?
In her talking head, Shannon wonders about the sexual orientation of her refrigerator with 2 doors. She muses that perhaps it swings both ways… Hey wait… THAT was a joke! Shannon made a joke! Quickly writes down the date…
I admit, that after watching the show, I’m side-eyeing my appliances and suddenly wondering what they’re up to at night after we go to bed. I don’t think appliances are to be trusted. I think we might hafta start keeping the light on in the kitchen at night when we go to bed.
I just know that dishwasher is a hussy… She can make a mess AND clean it up.
I think also the washer and the dryer are married. I think the washer often has headaches and just doesn’t want to spin yet another load. I think the dryer understands and does his thing by himself.
Suddenly, it’s clear what’s happened to all of those socks that have mysteriously disappeared from the dryer all of our lives.
Fanning the Flames
Shannon points to her ceiling fan and Elaine tells her that, “a fan is a psychic blender.” So, is she saying that when you turn the fan on the psychic energies are all mixed together? Or is she saying that the ceiling fan is the one making the margaritas at night?
The Transitive Property of Stress
On top of lying about Brooks having cancer, Shannon tells Lydia that Vicki made lies up that are hurting her kids and her husband. Shannon is talking about the domestic violence “lies” which really isn’t a lie – Since there was an incident of some kind, he pled guilty to a couple of charges as previously outlined above, and did what the court required of him to do
Shannon says she has gained 40 pounds. Gesturing to her stomach, “This is stress – and that is Vicki Gunvalson.”
The Transitive Property of Equality tells us that: If a = b and b = c, then a = c.
So if “A” = 40 lbs of Eating;
If “B” = Stress;
If “C” = Vicki…
Then 40 pounds of Eating = Stress; and Stress = Vicki, then 40 lbs of Eating = Vicki. So Shannon’s right, it’s all Vicki’s fault that Shannon has gained 40 pounds.
Except it’s not, of course… While it’s true Vicki has been causing a lot of stress in Shannon’s family’s life, Shannon is choosing to cope with the stress by eating. I mean it’s not like Vicki would ever shove food or drink into someone else’s mouth, would she?
I suddenly have flashbacks to when Vicki shoved shots into people’s mouths especially while on their trips.
Another consideration, is the fact that Shannon has about 160 pounds of dead weight in the form of her cheating husband.
Shannon has tried to quickly deny she blamed Vicki for her weight gain. The unfortunate thing is that the whole world is now fat shaming her for this. We will never know if people would be this riled up if Shannon hadn’t tried to blame Vicki for her weight gain…
People were already making rude comments about her weight. I suspect many of those people have been fortunate enough that they’ve not had to deal with weight issues themselves. If they had, I doubt they would be so quick to point fingers and laugh.
I’ve dealt with weight issues my entire life. I can picture a brownie in my mind and instantly gain 5 pounds. I can’t imagine the “weight” of the public stress and scrutiny that Shannon is experiencing.
I know I’ve blamed my stressful work and work environment for my stress eating in the past… That’s really no different than what Shannon is doing. Was I delusional enough to think that one of my impossible deadlines had sprouted hands, reached out for that chocolate chip cookie, and shoved it into my mouth?
No…. But, I will say that the devil made me do it…lol. No, not him either. I did it. I ate a chocolate chip cookie and I liked it. But we ALL know I didn’t stop at just one, don’t we? Lol… I must not deserve to live.
I blame it all on the fact that they don’t make chocolate chip kale…
Shannon and Lydia May Never Be Friends
Strike 1 – When Shannon and Lydia first met, they talked about how Tamra is a good friend. Lydia immediately starts stirring the pot by saying that she knew Tamra back when she was good friends with Vicki. You can actually see darts forming in Shannon’s eyes… lol
Strike 2 – Lydia tells Shannon that she recently had dinner with Vicki. Lydia said Vicki just gave her a little bit of an “update” on Tamra and Shannon. Shannon realized which team Lydia is playing on this season. I think it’s a BIG mistake for Lydia to align with Vicki – but we shall see.
Strike 3 – Shannon and Tamra clue in Lydia to the kinds of things Vicki has been saying about their husbands – which is why they’re mad at her. Lydia tells Shannon and Tamra, “But you guys are acting almost the same way she acted.”
Honestly, I’m NOT trying to defend Shannon or Tamra… but if you told me that I was like Vicki in ANY way, shape, or form… I’d completely flip out, too. I may even flip a table… And I would definitely twirl off showering everyone in pixie dust… lol….
Have I said how much I love Lydia’s Mom?
Tamra Goes to Bible Study
Okay…. Now this is tough territory to me. As I alluded to earlier, I do NOT like it when people exploit their belief or philosophical systems on television for personal financial gain, popularity, sympathy, or for a storyline.
Lydia has been hosting Bible Studies in her house for years. She was having them long before she was ever a “Real Housewife” and she’s been having them ever since she stepped away from the series. It is a natural part of her life.
Tamra was baptized two seasons ago at <cough> a lavish resort’s swimming pool when the actual beach was only steps away. Nothing says “starting off on the right foot” like taking a limo ride to your baptism, drinking champagne to celebrate, and wearing a dress that gets transparent when you’re immersed into the waters of baptism when you’re starting out your humble walk with God. Oh… and televising the whole dang thing.
I have no idea what’s going on or not going on in Tamra’s heart regarding Tamra’s relationship with God… It’s not my job to know. I will do my best to just observe behaviors and comment on that…
I will say that I am uncomfortable that Tamra’s first visit to Lydia’s Bible Study is televised. It would feel more genuine if she had been going for a several weeks to the study – and now they’re just filming a natural part of her life. It just feels exploitative to me that her first visit is in front of the cameras.
Of course, it doesn’t help that before the Bible Study begins, Tamra and Lydia gossip about the other women in the kitchen. I wonder if they prayed for forgiveness for that?
- Meghan’s dog is named “Girlie Girl”… That is all I will say about that for the moment. Well, that and clearly Meghan is wearing an Ice Skating outfit in the picture shown above.
- As Meghan was in the middle of explaining the intricacies of her “Real Housewife” relationships to her husband while traveling in the car, he abruptly asked her what they were having for dinner.
- Nobleman – Is the name of the new magazine that Lydia and her husband own. Lydia describes it as what it’s like to be a gentleman in the world today. Do magazines even still make money these days?
- The new girl Peggy had a double mastectomy. Her Mother died of breast cancer so she’s taking no chances. I’m sure we’ll hear more about it and I’m totally rooting for her. The problem for me is that in the very first episode Peggy’s on, her husband flaunts their wealth by giving Peggy thousands of dollars of diamonds as a gift – on camera. That’s just ostentatious. Plus, it’s obnoxious that she doesn’t even know how many cars they own.
- In possibly the very most appropriate gift ever given – Lydia’s Mom, Judy, bought Tamra’s granddaughter, Ava, a ginormous stuffed unicorn for her birthday.
- While the women were arguing about Vicki at her birthday party, Ava was busy having fun with bubbles.
- Kelly & her husband had a scene of them working out together – it was mildly amusing. However, if you have a few extra million hanging around, they’ve just lowered the price on their Corona del Mar house they’ve put on the market.
Well, that’s my take on most of what happened last episode. Tonight’s should be interesting… I really hope I don’t end up disliking Lydia for her alignment with Vicki.
Thanks so much for reading… Hope to see you next time.
Video of the Week
In honor of Elaine from Seinfeld, I offer you this YouTube video posted by Atrion Darnay entitled, “Seinfeld – The Elaine Dance.” Enjoy!
The Directors of Seinfeld were: Art Wolff, Tom Cherones, Andy Ackerman, David Steinberg, and David Owen Trainor.
The stars of Seinfeld were: Jerry Seinfeld, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards, and Jason Alexander.
Seinfeld’s Executive Producers were: Larry David, George Shapiro, Howard West, Andrew Scheinman, Jerry Seinfeld, Alec Berg, and Jeff Schaffer.
The writers of Seinfeld were: Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld with script writers: Larry Charles, Peter Mehlman, Gregg Kavet, Carol Leifer, David Mandel, Jeff Schaffer, Steve Koren, Jennifer Crittenden, Tom Gammill, Max Pross, Dan O’Keefe, Charlie Rubin, Marjorie Gross, Alec Berg, Elaine Pope, and Spike Feresten.
All photos are video screenshots of the episodes that can be accessed at: www.bravotv.com. Thanks, Bravo!