Real Housewives of Orange County (RHOC)
“We Have a New Puppet Master” – S12/E4
AKA: “Symptoms of Tiara Envy”
Ever since I watched last week’s RHOC episode when Lydia reached into her Mother’s cupboard and retrieved a gorgeous array of sparkling tiaras, I’ve had a gnawing pit in my stomach that’s only getting worse day after day.
I had some complicated psychological tests run on myself and I received some unfortunate results.
Are you sitting down?
I’ve been told that I might be suffering from a bad case of “Tiara Envy.”
I know, I know… It’s bad, isn’t it?
I just don’t understand why out of over 7 billion people in the entire world – that I’ve been afflicted with this devastating disease. But I’m desperately trying to come to grips with it…
Unfortunately, there is no known cure for TE. The treatment options are woefully inadequate AND painful.
You’ll be happy to know that through it all – I’m learning to cope with this ailment. I promise to be brave and fight TE with every fiber of my being.
I will even try my hardest to laff in the face of TE. <Ha, Ha>
The odds are slim, but on the outside chance you might also suffer from this malady, here are some of the symptoms of TE – Remember, you, too, might have TE if you have ever had thoughts about any of the following:
Sit and Spin
Have you ever wished that Vicki (or Brooks) would sit on a sharp, pointy object and spin? If so, you might have TE.
Did you secretly hope that the lips Kelly had tightened and rejuvenated this week were the ones on her face? If so, you might have TE.
Does it make your own sex life feel a tad inadequate after hearing that Lydia’s Mom gets to wear a tiara when she takes off her knickers, gets randy, and shags her royal highness of a husband? If so, you might have TE.
Cupboards Aren’t JUST for Dishes
After watching Lydia spontaneously pull out several tiaras from Judy’s kitchen cupboard, did you open your own kitchen cabinets and feel disappointed when they were only filled with slightly chipped dishes? If so, you might have TE.
Heck, I even checked my pantry, medicine cabinet, linen closet, and hamper… but nooOOOooOOoo… No tiaras for me.
Well, in all honesty, I have actually received a couple of tiaras in my life. I got to wear one when I was supposed to be a woodland fairy in our ballet school’s spring dance recital. However, not even a large, sparkling tiara could hide the fact that I was as graceful as a one legged fish.
I got my real tiara when I was the first runner up to the Homecoming Queen in college. Yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but one of my best friends and I were both runners up that year. My friend really deserved to win. She had absolutely done the most for the college by far – plus, she was the only nominee who was a senior. It was shocking when she didn’t win.
Instead, some other strumpet won. We hate her. Well, not really… but you know what I mean.
Did you want to throw a tiara as hard as you could at Shannon after seeing her attempt to teach her daughter to drive? If so, you might have TE.
Seriously, can you even think of a worse driving instructor than Shannon? Of the current RHOC’s, in my opinion, the order of the best driving instructor to the worst driving instructor is:
Meghan King Edmonds – I think she would be the best driving instructor because she would remain calm and her instructions would be precise… Though she might just bore you to death.
Lydia McLaughlin – I think she would remain calm throughout the whole thing. Plus, you could drive anywhere you wanted because she would be a total pushover. Another perk is that you know she would be praying the whole way through the lesson and I’m convinced that’s the only way anyone survives being driven in a car with a 15 ½ year old.
Tamra Judge – I’m a little torn on this one – But I think she has the potential of being an okay instructor if, for no other reason, than the seat itself would prevent her from being able to stab you in the back.
Peggy Sulahian – I don’t know her very well – but she seems pretty subdued and if ya crashed into something she could loan you one of their 492 cars.
Kelly Dodd – I’m not sure how instructive she would be but she would be GREAT at flipping off people on your behalf.
Shannon Beador – We now have footage of why she’s such a poor driving instructor ‘cuz screaming at your 15 year old kid while she’s driving on a very, very busy street is NEVER a good strategy.
Vicki Gunvalson – Vicki is last on this list because she is ALWAYS the worst. She really IS the absolute worst at everything – But she really is the worst at being a decent human being.
So, I guess, in answer to my original question about if we could think of anyone who is a worse driving instructor than Shannon…. The answer is, “Yes – Vicki.” Go figure… lol.
Did you laff out loud and spit Arrowhead Sparkling Orange Water all over your keyboard like I did when Vicki called the new girl, Peggy, a “princess?” If so, you might have TE.
It was hilarious because I kinda felt like Vicki was doing all she could to keep her ugly, nasty insides from creeping out of her fake, plastic candy coated shell.
Vicki hate, hate, HATES new girls – but she’s being forced to like this one because no one else really wants to be around Vicki except Kelli. Lydia is kind of okay with Vicki at the moment, but I’m forever hopeful that Lydia’s common sense will kick in at some point.
I almost died when Vicki was in Peggy’s garage looking around at all of her shiny, new cars. Vicki’s voice actually quivered when she attempted to stammer out compliments towards Peggy. I think it was because Vicki’s own jealousy almost choked her out.
At one point, you could see Vicki’s brain flip the switch into work mode ‘cuz Vicki began calculating the commission she will be collecting from the brand new life insurance policy(ies) she will inevitably sell to this unsuspecting family. <Cha-Ching>
I shudder to think how Vicki will exploit the cancer card when selling this particular insurance policy. I mean, it’s not like she’s ever exploited cancer for her own personal gain before, right? (Allegedly)…
Did you want to shove a tiara down Tamra’s throat when she offered some wackadoodle supplements called, “Clear Mood™ AdvoCare to Shannon?” If so, you might have TE.
I must admit, that I was a little surprised that Tamra even knew about the existence of these supplements. Clearly, Tamra is not a user. You’ll be happy to know you can purchase the supplements directly from Tamra’s website… I kid you not (Thanks Penn & Teller!).
Other supplements the “Real Housewives” might consider taking:
Bitch Be Gone – Take 2 pills and you’ll get so high you won’t even care about any of these bitches anymore.
Pinocchio Pill – Take one of these and the nose of any liar standing within 3 feet will grow, and grow, and grow. However, this will only work when you’re NOT the liar… So really, who does that leave that can actually take this supplement?
MAYBE Meghan…Perhaps Lydia (although she seems to be bending words to suit her recently)… and who else? I’m thinking… I’m thinking… Yeah… I’ve got no one else… lol.
Silicone Caplets – Take 4 of these twice daily and you’ll become just as plastic on the inside as you are on the outside.
I’m Your Puppet
Did you want to place a crown on Kelly’s husband when he concluded that Tamra is the new puppet master of the show? If so, you might have TE.
It was hilarious to me that Kelly’s husband was lying on the bed handing out edicts based on Kelly’s strategically selective memory about the events of the previous night. It’s like trying to complete a 1,482 piece jigsaw puzzle and you only have 4 pieces. It was ludicrous.
Equally hysterical is the thought that Tamra would be smart enough to be a puppet master in the first place. Oh sure, Tamra has street smarts and is great at lots of things… But she’s really not the most sparkly tiara in the cupboard, if you know what I mean.
Then, when Kelly tried to convince her husband that Shannon has Stockholm Syndrome – Well, I just about died from laffing. They really should warn me before making such outlandish statements ‘cuz I need to double up on my heart medication.
Did you want to do evil things to Vicki with a crown when she started talking to Peggy about cancer? If so, you might have TE.
In all fairness, I’m still not over how Vicki and Brooks lied about him having cancer. I’ve come to realize I will likely never get over it. It assaults every fiber of my being.
So imagine how much it irked me that Vicki was having a conversation with Peggy about cancer.
Vicki tells us she’s learned that, “I think we should keep medical things private because of everything I went through with Brooks and his cancer.”
Really, Vicki? REALLY? That’s what you learned from all of this? What you SHOULD have learned is to question a boyfriend’s claim about having a fatal disease when there’s even a hint that things aren’t quite adding up.
What you should have learned is that you should actually go with him to his myriads of medical appointments to hear what the doctors have to say in support of him.
You were awfully quick to go with Kelly to her vaginal rejuvenation appointment – Surely, you could take time off from work to go to a few medical appointments for the man you love, no?
Okay… so like as if THAT wasn’t enough to push me over the edge… the fact that Vicki said she wasn’t going to ask Peggy for her medical records as if she was making herself out to be oh, such a great person, made me throw up.
Oh Vicki, Peggy’s not lying about her cancer scare. Medical records are kind of a moot point when you willingly go under the knife to remove your breasts.
But I know you ARE the kind of person who would ask to see her scars – I’m sure we’ll see it play out sometime this season… But you would want to see them not out of empathy or curiosity… but from a critical judgy place and that reveals how ugly you are.
Is There Hope for TE?
Since there is no known cure, I plan to create a GoFundMe account to raise money for further research into TE. We need to do significant research so there’s hope to find a cure for this malady, no?
Personally, I think we’re doomed…. DOOMED.
That’s it for now… Tonight’s episode should be interesting, no? I think we see some of Peggy’s true colors come out… The part I hate is that I know Vicki will always land on her feet because she always does – but it will be semi-entertaining to see how she does it this time.
The only one currently on the Real Housewives of Orange County who deserves a tiara is Meghan’s dog because she’s so stupidly called, “Girly Girl.”
Thanks so much for reading…
Until next time… Happy Trails!
Video of the Week
In honor of this week’s “Tiara Envy” theme – I can think of no other video more appropriate than the video uploaded by Queen Official entitled, “Queen – Bohemian Rhapsody (Official Video). I’ve found that listening or watching Queen videos while doing anything makes it immeasurably more enjoyable. This particular channel plays one video and then loads another official Queen video – It’s such a trip to watch videos from 30+ years ago.