Real Housewives of New York City
“Thank You and Good Night” – S9/E19
AKA: “Luann’s Game of Thorns”
AKA: “A Rose by Any Other Name Is Still Just a Prick”
AKA: “Luann’s Rose-Colored Glasses”
Starzy runs around the room doing cartwheels while singing, “It’s Finally the Finale… It’s Finally the Finale – Yippie!”
Meanwhile, I kid you not, in probably, like the first time EVER in all of these years of me watching these shows, shockingly Mr. Starz said, “It’s the finale – already??”
I about died as I realized that for the first time in a very long time, I really didn’t want this season to end. Oh sure, I had my issues with Ramona… Plus, it drives me crazy that Real Housewives of Orange County has just started airing and I’m REALLY not liking that franchise right now…
But I’m really not ready for this season of RHONY to end. Wow. Write this day down in the history books.
Okay, okay… We MUST once again talk about Luann and that prickliest prick of a thorn that ever grew in Luann’s rose garden – Tom.
It’s All About The Timing, No?
The strategically timed news of Luann & Tom’s divorce – you know, conveniently AFTER they had already filmed the Reunion Shows but BEFORE the finale aired? Hmmm…
Plus, social media is exploding with pictures of the gowns everyone wore during next week’s Reunion Show – Notice that Luann is wearing one of her many wedding dresses for the Reunion… lol.
I’ve seen lots of pictures of the women standing and posing in their gowns – but I really care more about what they look like while they’re seated ‘cuz that’s what we see for 99.9% of the Reunion Shows, no?
Obviously, this leaves us questioning why Luann wore one of her wedding dresses to the Reunion… Did Luann:
A) Like the dress so much that she wanted to wear it again because she looks so fabulous in it;
B) Secure a discount on the dress that required her to wear it specifically for one of the episodes of the show – and since they didn’t fully air the wedding on Bravo, she was forced to wear it now;
C) Have no idea they were about to get divorced and symbolically wore it to declare to the world once again of her undying love for her sweet, sweet rose…;
D) KNOW about the divorce and wore it to rub salt in Tom’s wound… You know, if he even HAS any wound from getting divorced; or,
E) KNOW about the divorce but was pissed off at Bravo for not agreeing to her demands to air the wedding in the first place and this was her way of screwing with them.
We may never know the REAL reason why she wore it… However, since we’re all talking about Luann right now – the mighty dress has done its job, no?
I’m just glad after all these years that Luann can even still fit into her wedding dress, right? Wait… They got married just last December 31st… Never mind…
Okay, who had 7 months, 3 days in the “How Long Is This Train Wreck of a Marriage Gonna Last” pool? Sadly, I only got the “3 days” part right. What a crappy way to give up a Countess title. Poor Luann.
The Thorny Prick That Is Tom
Remember back to when they were all in Mexico and they played that game of “Roses or Thorns” around the dinner table? The game was designed for everyone to discuss their highlights and their lowlights of the trip.
They all took turns and shared various things about their fabulous vacation – It was a really great way to conclude a trip. Well, that is until it came to Luann’s turn when she started boasting that Tom was her “rose.”
Everyone immediately started gagging and appropriately erupting into choruses of “Kill Me Now!” It was simultaneously funny and nauseating. Clearly, these women don’t know that the kewl kids just use the initials “KMN” (Thank you, Big Bang Theory).
The women were already more than tired of incessantly hearing about the picture perfect marriage of Tom & Luann. They began yelling at Luann that Tom couldn’t be her “rose” in this game because he wasn’t even on the trip. Bethenny even stood up and walked away from the table doing throwey-up kinda sounds… It was hilarious…
You know, until it was not…
Luann was looking at her marriage to Tom through “rose” colored glasses, no?
Tom went from being a “rose” to being her “thorn” so fast that it made Luann fall off her Countess throne and flat on her royal dupa. The Countess Crown she willingly gave up when she married Tom toppled off despite being super glued to her head and disappeared into the “You Are Dead to Me” abyss of Luann’s lost hopes and dreams.
We ALL knew Tom was a prick… We just didn’t know how MUCH of a prick he was… Well, wait… on second thought… We actually did. It seems everyone knew… Even Luann knew because she was warned… A lot… She just didn’t care.
Luann was quickly dethroned… I wonder how long it’s gonna take for her to be de-thorned. It lasted about as long as Joffrey from The Game of Thrones.
We ALL wish Luann well, yes? Can you imagine the ugly, incessant criticism she will face from all of this (Myself included)?
I DO wish Luann peace and love… (Hehehe… I just said, “I do” – but at least I MEAN it when I say it… lol)… I mean, it’s like Luann served up an endless stream of jokes to people like me…
Speaking of serving…
Luann’s monumental marital collapse now overshadows Luann’s every scene. It’s really all I can think about as I watch her and Tom play tennis…
I realized that at the beginning of their tennis game, the score was “Love – Love” or “Zero – Zero.” Sadly, that’s the exact ending score of their marriage – Zero Love.
It was cringeable when Luann boasted about teaching Tom how to play tennis and that he’s now better than Luann. She attributes it to her amazing teaching ability. Hardy har har har…
I attribute it more to Tom’s “advantage” of knowing how best to “string” Luann along… His “deep” familiarity of how to “grip” his ummmm… “racquet” firmly… His “ace” “follow through” skills on his “back-handed” approach to a “pointless” marriage… And his knowledge of how to create a “forced error” on Luann that caused her life to go into a “backspin.”
Of course, he did all of this while regularly going “out of bounds” in an attempt to keep lots of “fuzzy balls” on the side for his future “volleys.”
I’ll refrain from making any crass “deuce” jokes. You’re welcome…lol.
Painting the Town Pink
Tinsley finally moved out of Sonja’s house and into a hotel with the help of her new boyfriend, Scott.
I think this was likely the first chance she had to move – since Sonya’s storyline depended on Tinsley living with her for the duration of the season… lol.
Tinsley is throwing Sonja a “Thank You” party because she wants to immediately squash the Sonja-fueled Page Six rumors that Tinsley’s been an “Ungrateful Houseguest.” Allegedly and stuff…
The problem is that Carole told Sonja it’s really a “Thank You – FU Party” aimed at Sonja and she’s pretty cranky about it. Sonja even threatens not to show up for it. Sonja obviously has taken some “ungrateful” lessons from Tinsley because she’s acting like a gooberhead.
In all fairness, perhaps Sonja was cranky that Tinsley didn’t use Sonja-In The City’s luxury lifestyle brand event planners to organize this party. I know this ‘cuz there wasn’t a single toaster oven in sight.
Riddle me this… Has anyone in ALL of these seasons EVER thrown Sonja a party? Oh sure, there was a party after she premiered her clothing line… but I’m honestly hard-pressed to remember a party specifically thrown in Sonja’s honor… including birthdays, etc.
I’m just not sure why the theme of the party is pink. Does Sonja even like pink? Maybe it’s “Pussy Galore” pink – which may be very, VERY appropriate for Sonja at this point.
Maybe it’s Barbie™®© Dream House Pink ‘cuz Tinsley really is a life-sized Barbie, no? Tinsley even wears Barbie’s cutesy, frilly dresses from circa 1971.
Finally, when Sonja actually shows up to the finale party she is quickly distracted by the hunky boy toys Tinsley generously bought Sonja for the evening’s festivities. They are even wearing tight “Thank You Sonja” t-shirts to show off their bulging assets.
Sonja starts to eagerly drink a Sonja-tini but decides to criticize it instead. I honestly didn’t think there was any such thing as a cocktail that Sonja wouldn’t drink. I know Sonja was on the wagon until that Mexico trip. Now, I think Sonja’s on a trip of her own.
Sonja says this party is all about Tinsley and not about Sonja. She says that Tinsley loves being in the limelight but that Sonja does not…
<Excuse me as I clean up my keyboard from the Arrowhead Sparkling Orange water I just spit all over it>
On what planet does Sonja NOT love being in the spotlight? Seriously? OMG…
Sonja is being a royal pain in the dupa about it. Sonja and Bethenny talk about it and Bethenny understands Sonja’s perspective.
Bethenny outs that she thinks Tinsley has a major drinking problem. She also seems to imply that Sonja could have told Page Six way worse things about Tinsley than just her being “ungrateful.”
The thing is… Tinsley had no choice but to do some sort of grand generous gesture because of the Page Six article Sonja (allegedly) planted. It was important to her to show the public that she wasn’t ungrateful for what Sonja did for her.
So yes, she hired hunky guys, had t-shirts made, secured a venue, invited Sonja’s friends, picked out a honkin’ cake, had a specialty drink created in Sonja’s honor, had Sonja’s name splayed across the sidewalk at the entrance to the venue, and orchestrated a nice party, etc.
But Sonja was the original bitch when she complained to so many people about Tinsley that it actually made it into the press. I happen to believe Sonja planted the story herself, allegedly, but perhaps “word” magically DID make its way to Page Six. I dunno…
Let’s be honest… Sonja bitched when Tinsley lived with her and she bitched when she moved out. Now she’s acting like a gigantic bitch. Sonja’s really pissing me off…
Sorry… Here’s $20 for the cussin’ jar…
There’s also a huge, multi-tiered cake. I don’t care what else you have at a party – as long as you have cake. Lots and lots of cake…lol. Chocolate is preferable… lol…
And of course I’m now hungry for chocolate cake… It sounds like I haven’t eaten in years but I honestly ate dinner last night… At least I think I did…
Choked-Up – Ramona invited an ex-girlfriend of Tom’s to the party. Ramona’s such a nice friend, no?
Tom told his ex-girlfriend, Missy, that he gets all choked-up whenever he sees her. Missy told him that she hopes so and that she feels the same way… Yes folks… They BOTH knew this was being filmed and that Luann would see the footage.
When someone asked for more details about the last time Tom and Missy saw each other… Tom said that they needed to unplug their mics before saying anything further… And then they proceeded to unplug their mics…
Hello, Captain Inappropriate! I mean, really… Is there a red flag any bigger than this?
Meanwhile, Luann is blissfully unaware this is going on as she blathers on and on to Bethenny and Dorinda about how happy she is.
On a side note… As to the timing of the announcement of their divorce… We know prior to the Reunion Show being filmed, the women are sent copies of the shows that haven’t yet aired so they can also talk about them during the Reunion.
Just a thought… Could it be that Luann saw this footage and negatively reacted to it? Maybe it was last straw for her especially because this all happened right in front of her son who attended the party?
Harry Duban was there also, but who cares about him?
Bethenny Bought Another Apartment – It’s no secret that Bethenny and Frederik (Million Dollar Listing) are going to do a spin-off show together. Bethenny thrives on remodeling houses and Frederik can sell them.
Bethenny bought a ginormous apartment on which she plans to do some major remodeling. Because she’s so smart – it’s all going to be part of her new show (I’m sure) and very tax deductible (I’m sure).
The space is so big that Bethenny can do cartwheels across it…
Did I mention that Bethenny had a hunky new hockey-player boyfriend (Nate Thompson) who was a good sport in letting Dorinda manhandle his muscular dupa? A sexual harassment lawsuit is pending, I’m sure… lol.
By the way, I used the word “had” because it looks like they’re no longer dating. It’s funny, but I can easily picture Bethenny at a hockey game.
He has a retainer thingie for a missing tooth he’s not going to permanently replace until his hockey career is over. The tooth would likely just be broken again and not even professional sports players can afford the prices dentists are charging nowadays, right?
Dorinda’s Daughter Has Moved Out – Dorinda is trying to keep Creepy John from moving in. He tried to bribe her with a wedding-esque replica of a Beyoncé gown that Dorinda had been eying for quite a while. The gown had been hanging in the window of his dry cleaning establishment.
The same designer made both gowns. There are some serious perks to dating John, I must admit.
We also learn from Dorinda that IF she and John ever do get married – it will be in front of a Justice of the Peace without much hoopla. There may or may not be dinner at a diner involved thereafter…
Dagnabit… That makes me hungry for a cheeseburger and a chocolate milkshake.
A Wedding Every Year – Immediately after meeting Scott, Tinsley’s new boyfriend, Dorinda announced they need to have a “wedding a year.” Terror struck Scott’s face but he quickly recovered.
Dorinda and John REALLY should be next couple to marry, ‘cuz they’ve been dating the longest, right? Now if THAT had been suggested, I’m sure Dorinda’s face would have looked something like this:
Tinsley called Sonja forward so she could give her a toast and a gift. Sonja snottily said she didn’t want either from Tinsley in her “sherbet” dress. Dorinda said “that’s not gracious” and Bethenny just smirked.
Tinsley made a very nice toast that graciously thanked Sonja for all that she did for her. Tinsley gave Sonja a nicely framed photo of the two of them (Well, Sonja’s head was kinda cut off) along with a $5,000 gift card from Bergdorf’s.
Sonja proceeded to swipe the gift card down where gift cards don’t go. That area’s for wiping not swiping, Sonja.
Can you buy vats of cooking oil from Bergdorf’s? #Asking4AFriend
My favorite part of the party was when some guy grabbed a huge chunk of cake and started animalistically feeding it to Sonja. It was hilarious.
That’s it for the finale! Next week is the beginning of the three-part Reunion Show.
It will be interesting to see how they handle the divorce since it happened after the Reunion Shows were filmed. I hear rumors they are individually interviewing the women about it so some footage can be included after the fact.
I think Bravo must be really mad at the women for strategically blocking them from filming the beginning stages of their divorces. But really, who could blame them?
Luann has screwed Bravo twice now on this very subject… Jules Wainstein did it last season… And Ramona did it the season before last (IIRC). But maybe the fact we ALL have seen way too much of Bethenny’s marital demise and the aftermath therein makes up for it all.
Thanks so much for reading… Hope to see you next time.
Video of the Week
As I’ve said in a previous post, we now have a gaggle of geese that have taken residence in our back yard. When I say “gaggle” I mean like well over 25 now. For years, we only had 3.
They, along with ducks, cormorants, heron, egrets, turtles, and hawks are all attracted to the “lake” that separates the buildings but is actually more like a man-made puddle comparatively speaking…
Every night, between 2:00 AM – 3:00 AM there is a great disturbance in the Force and the geese go completely wackadoo. It’s really quite lovely waking up to the blaring honks of cranky geese just when you’ve finally been able to get to sleep ‘cuz you routinely fight insomnia <insert eye roll here>.
Did I mention one of our neighbors has started feeding the geese? Good times…
I sometimes feel like the elephant in this YouTube video that was posted by Melanie Stevens entitled, “Elephant vs Goose.” Enjoy!