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Leonard: “What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane, wrapped helically around an axis?”

Sheldon: “Screwed.”

Leonard: “There you go.”

Leonard: (To Sheldon) “Sometimes your movements are so lifelike I forget you are not a real boy.”

Leonard: “Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?”

Sheldon: “Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and, say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.”

Leonard: “What if I knock you unconscious now?”

Sheldon: “It won’t change the past.”

Leonard: “But it’d make the present so much nicer.”

Leonard: “Black beans, not pinto beans?”

Sheldon: “Yes.”

Leonard: “Double guacamole?”

Sheldon: “Of course.”

Leonard: “Lettuce shredded, not chopped?”

Sheldon: “Yes.”

Leonard: “You understand why I’m doing this?”

Sheldon: “I do.”

Leonard: “That will be all.”

Leonard: “And I believe that God created the world in six days and on the seventh He made you to annoy me.”

Leonard: “Sheldon, you do this all the time! You fixate on some crazy idea then blow it way out of proportion.”

Sheldon: “Name one time I’ve done that?”

Leonard: “How about the time you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you thought North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you thought were human nuggets? The mysterious cloud that was following you around town? Or the time you put my shirt on by accident and thought you were growing again?”

Sheldon: “I said name one, you need to work on your listening,”

Leonard: “You call that a glow stick? (Pulls out a Lightsaber) THIS is a glow stick!”

Sheldon: “I often forget other people have limitations. It’s so sad.”

Howard: “He can feel sadness?”

Leonard: “Not really. It’s what you and I would call condescension.”

Sheldon: (A recording of Sheldon appears on the computer) “Greetings, hamburger toucher. You are probably wondering why you cannot IM with your little friends about how much you heart various things. Well, this recorded message is alerting you that I am putting an end to your parasitic piggybacking upon our WiFi. If you want to remedy the situation you can contact the phone company, set up your own WiFi and pay for it, or you may apologize to me.”

Penny: “What?”

Leonard: “I reiterate, knuckle under.”

Penny: “No, no, no, no, no. It is on. I am gonna introduce your friend to a world of hurt.”

Leonard: “Oh, Penny, you don’t want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy is one lab accident away from being a supervillain.”

Sheldon: “Everyone at the university knows I eat breakfast at 8:00 AM and move my bowels at 8:20 AM.”

Leonard: “Yes, how did we live before Twitter?”

Penny: “What happened?”

Leonard: “Sheldon’s escaped and he’s terrorizing the village.”

Leonard: “I’d make fun of Sheldon for having girl problems if I wasn’t shocked that Sheldon HAS girl problems.”

(Regarding Sheldon and Amy’s relationship)

Leonard: “It’s kinda like the Loch Ness Monster. Maybe there’s something there, maybe there isn’t. We’ll never know but sometimes it’s fun to creep yourself out thinking about it.”

Sheldon: “This may be hard to believe, but I may not be boyfriend material.”

Leonard: “Wow. I’m so glad I was sitting down for that!”

Leonard: “The robot hand got stuck on your what?”

Leonard: “You convinced me. Maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.”

Sheldon: “You don’t think that crosses the line?”

Leonard: “Yes… For God’s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?”

Sheldon: “You have a sarcasm sign?”

Sheldon: “Leonard, have you ever wondered why my little toes and lateral incisors are significantly smaller than the average for someone of my size?”

Leonard: “I wonder a lot of things about you, Sheldon, but not that.”

Leonard: “Twelve years after high school and I’m still at the nerd table.”

(Regarding their recent Antarctica expedition)

Leonard: “When he (Sheldon) wasn’t happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan – We were going to throw his Kindle outside, and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death.”

Sheldon: “That seems like a bit of an overreaction.”

Leonard: “No, the overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled-dog team and yell ‘Mush!’”

Leonard: “That’s right! ‘Cuz that’s how we roll in the Shire!”

Penny: “Why can’t all guys be like you?”

Leonard: “Because if all guys were like me the human race couldn’t survive.”

Leonard: “What ya doin’ there? Working on a new plan to catch the Road Runner?

Leonard: “Well, it seems once again you’re caught between a rock and a crazy place.”

Zack: “I don’t get it.”

Leonard: “A dolphin might.”

Leonard: “Some kind of nerd? I’m the king of nerds.”

Penny: “What does that mean?”

Leonard: “It means that if someone makes me mad, I won’t help them set up their printer.”

Leonard: “I love cheesecake.”

Sheldon: “You’re lactose-intolerant.”

Leonard: “I don’t eat it. I just think it’s a good idea.”

Penny: “Leonard, you’re looking for a way to sleep with both women and have everybody be happy about it.”

Leonard: “Now we’re getting somewhere.”

Penny: “What does your gut tell you?”

Leonard: “Go ask Penny; she’ll know what to do.”

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