Penny: “Wait. What’s wrong with geology?”

Sheldon: “Let me put this in a way you’ll understand, Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren’t real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.”

Amy: “Sheldon, you don’t have to worry about me bothering you – I’ll be in a different building and we don’t even have to have lunch together.”

Sheldon: “Really?”

Amy: “Yes. Before all things I’m a scientist. I’m just there to do my work and with a little luck – Scare the living crap out of some monkeys.”

Sheldon: “Hmmm…. Are you sure your mothlike personality won’t be drawn to this blazing fire that is myself?”

Amy: “More and more sure.”

Leonard: “Have you considered telling her how you feel?”

Sheldon: “Leonard, I’m a physicist, not a hippie!”

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) “Penny!”… (Knock, knock, knock) “Penny!”… (Knock, knock, knock) “Penny!”

Sheldon: “No buts, no cuts, no coconuts.”

Zack: “You’re inferring I’m stupid.”

Sheldon: “That’s not correct. We implied you’re stupid – You then inferred it.”

Leonard: “Is someone sick?”

Sheldon: “Yes, my sister’s uterus came down with a baby.

Sheldon: “It’s a whole new world, little lady.”

Sheldon: “Keep it short – Brevity is your friend.”

Sheldon: “Too late – No backsies.”

Sheldon: “Ah, gravity – thou art a heartless bitch.”

Leonard: “Hey, I thought you were with your new buddies.”

Sheldon: “I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.”

Sheldon: “Are you upset about something?”

Leonard: “What was your first clue?”

Sheldon: “Well there were a number of things. First the late hour, then your demeanor seems very low energy, plus your irritability…”

Leonard: “Yes I’m upset!”

Sheldon: “Oh… I don’t usually pick up on those things. Good for me.”

Leonard:  “Yeah good for you.”

Sheldon: (Walks away and then turns back) “Oh, wait. Did you want to talk about what’s bothering you?”

Leonard:  “I don’t know – Maybe.”

Sheldon: “Wow! I’m on fire tonight.”

Leonard: “I’m just saying, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”

Sheldon: “You catch even more with manure, what’s your point?”

Sheldon: “A little misunderstanding? Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding…”

Sheldon: “You can try, but you’ll never catch me. Bazinga!”

Wil Wheaton: “Embrace the dark side!”

Sheldon: “That’s not even from your franchise!”

Sheldon: “I think that you (Leonard) have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker.”

Sheldon: “Hello Penny. I realize you are currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges. But, as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?”

Sheldon: “Have a seat.”

Leonard: “Okay.”

Sheldon: “No! That’s where I sit!”

Leonard: “What’s the difference?”

Sheldon: “This seat is ideally located – both in relation to the heat source in the winter and a cross breeze in the summer. It also faces the television at a direct angle, allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or gameplay without being subjected to conversation. As a result, I’ve placed it in a state of ‘eternal dibs,’”

Leonard: “Can you do that?”

Sheldon: “‘Cathedra mea, regulae meae’ – That’s Latin for ‘My chair, my rules.’”

Sheldon: “What part of an inverse tangent approaching an asymptote don’t you understand?”

Leonard: “Our babies will be smart and beautiful.”

Sheldon: “Not to mention imaginary.”

Zack: “You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out if you kill a starfish it’ll just come back to life.”

Sheldon: “Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts?… Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.”

Sheldon: “This is the temperature you agreed to in the ‘Roommate Agreement.’”

Leonard: “Aww, screw the ‘Roommate Agreement!’”

Sheldon: “No, you don’t screw the ‘Roommate Agreement.’ The ‘Roommate Agreement’ screws you.”

Leonard: “For God’s sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a ‘Sarcasm’ sign every time I open my mouth?”

Sheldon: (Intrigued) “You have a, ‘Sarcasm’ sign?”

Sheldon: “Cause of Injury: Lack of Adhesive Ducks.”

Leonard: “I know what you’re doing.”

Sheldon: “You do?”

Leonard: “You’re using chocolate as a positive reinforcement for what you consider is a correct behavior!”

Sheldon: “Very good! (Offers the chocolate to Leonard) Chocolate?”

Sheldon: “Penny, while I subscribe to the ‘Many Worlds’ theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.

Sheldon: “Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto that.”

Howard: “Don’t you think I should answer the engineering questions? I am an engineer.

Sheldon: By that logic I should answer all the anthropology questions because I’m a mammal.”

Sheldon: “I believe I do, I’m the guy.”

Penny: “You’re not the guy.”

Sheldon: “Are you sure? It would explain so much, your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me, ‘Sweetie’ all the time.”

Penny: I call everyone, ‘Sweetie.’”

Sheldon: “You tramp!”

Leonard: “Relax, it’s just a dirty sock.”

Sheldon: “How on earth can you say “dirty sock” and “relax” in the same sentence?”

Amy: “Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart or you and I are done.”

Sheldon: “All right. Please… Amy, when I look in your eyes and you’re looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal. I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited and at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don’t know what I feel – Except I know what kind of man I want to be.”

Amy: “Sheldon, that was beautiful.”

Sheldon: “I should hope so, that’s from the first Spider-Man movie.”

Amy: “I’ll take it.”

Sheldon: “I am immune to your sarcasm.”

Sheldon: “Well, well, well, if it isn’t Wil Wheaton… The Green Goblin to my Spider-Man, the Pope Paul V to my Galileo, the Internet Explorer to my Firefox!”

Penny: “I give up. He’s impossible!”

Sheldon: “I can’t be impossible; I exist! I think what you meant to say is, ‘I give up; he’s improbable.’”

Sheldon: “I’m sorry, coffee’s out of the question. When I moved to California I promised my Mother that I wouldn’t start doing drugs.”

Sheldon: “Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don’t you think that if I were wrong, I’d know it?”

Sheldon: “Hummingbirds are the vampires of the flower world.”

Sheldon: “A fear of heights is illogical. A fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.”

Amy: (Playing a full sized harp in her living room and singing) “I’m a cowboy… on a steel horse I ride… I’m wanted…” (Pauses, looks over to Sheldon, waits for him to join in… decides to repeat the last line)… “I’m wanted…” (Looks over again, rolls her eyes… then sings) “Whoa-a-a wanted… dead or alive…” (Amy sternly chastises Sheldon) “Sheldon, you’re ruining boyfriend/girlfriend sing-a-long night!”

Sheldon: “I’m sorry, I’m looking for a barber and I’m running out of time. My hair is growing at a rate of 4.65 yoctometers per femtosecond… If you’re quiet… you can hear it.”

Amy: “What about Supercuts?”

Sheldon: “I tried once. They do men’s and women’s hair in the same room at the same time. Echhh…. It’s like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.”

Leonard: “Hey, Sheldon, are you coming?”

Sheldon: “I’d rather have a blowfly lay eggs and hatch larvae in my auditory canal.”

Penny: “Sheldon, have you changed your wireless password again?”

Sheldon: “Yes, it’s ‘Penny get your own WiFi’ – No spaces.”

Sheldon: “If ‘ifs’ and ‘buts’ were candies and nuts, we would all have a Merry Christmas.”

Sheldon: “Now, today’s episode of ‘Fun with Flags’ is not fun. But it is important: Flags. You gotta know how to hold ‘em – You gotta know how to fold ‘em.”

Sheldon: “Do you want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?”

Leonard: “Not really!”

Sheldon: “If the height of a step is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip.”

Leonard: “I don’t care… Two millime….? …That’s doesn’t seem right.”

Sheldon: “It’s true. I did a series of experiments when I was 12. My Father broke his clavicle.”

Leonard: “Is that why they sent you to boarding school?”

Sheldon: “No. That was the result of my work with lasers.”

Leonard: “What’s a dogapus?”

Sheldon: “A hybrid dog and octopus. Man’s underwater best friend.”

Leonard: “There’s someone working on that?”

Sheldon: “I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself for my 300th birthday.”

Leonard: “Wait a minute… You hate dogs.”

Sheldon: “A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls; no one can hate that.”

Sheldon: “Under normal circumstances I’d say, ‘I told you so.’ But, as I have told you so with such vehemence and frequency – Already the phrase has lost all meaning. Therefore, I will be replacing it with the phrase, ‘I have informed you, thusly.’”

Penny: “Sheldon, you can’t re-program people.”

Sheldon: “No, YOU can’t re-program people!”

Penny: “When I was a senior in high school, one of my friends heard I was gonna be named head cheerleader, I was so excited. My Mom even made me a celebration pie. Then they named stupid Valerie Mossbacher as head cheerleader… Big old slutbag.”

Sheldon: “Are you saying that you think a celebration pie is even remotely comparable to a Nobel Prize?”

Penny: “Well, they’re pretty tasty.”

Sheldon: “And on a different, but not unrelated topic, based on your current efforts to buoy my spirits, do you ever truly believe that you were fit to be a cheerleader?”

Leonard: “Sheldon, you can’t train my girlfriend like a lab rat!”

Sheldon: “Actually, it turns out I can.”

Sheldon: “What exactly does that expression mean, ‘friends with benefits?’ Does he provide her with health insurance?”

Sheldon: (Singing) “Soft Kitty, Warm Kitty, Little Ball of Fur! Happy Kitty, Sleepy Kitty, Purr, Purr, Purr!”

Sheldon: “She calls me ‘Moon-Pie’ because I’m nummy-nummy and she could eat me up!”

Sheldon: “’He drank from Leonard`s glass’ – The words they will be carving into my tombstone.”

Penny: “I always tear up when the Grinch’s heart grows three sizes.”

Sheldon: “Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which can lead to congestive heart failure.”

Sheldon: “Your ‘check-engine’ light is on.”

Penny: “Umm… hmmm…”

Sheldon: “Typically, that’s an indicator to, you know – Check your engine.”

Penny: “It’s fine – It’s been on for, like, a month.”

Sheldon: “Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know… Check your engine.”

Penny: “Sheldon, it’s fine.”

Sheldon: “If it were fine, the light wouldn’t be on. That’s why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it’s not fine.”

Penny: “Maybe the light’s broken.”

Sheldon: “Is there a ‘check-the-check-engine-light’ light?”

Sheldon: “What’s life without whimsy?”

Sheldon: “Is my hamburger medium-well?”

Leonard: “Yes.”

Sheldon: “Dill slices not sweet?”

Leonard: “Yes.”

Sheldon: “Individual relish packets?”

Leonard: “Yes.”

Sheldon: “Onion rings?”

Leonard: “Yes.”

Sheldon: “Extra-breading?”

Leonard: “I asked.”

Sheldon: “What did they say?”

Leonard: “No.”

Sheldon: “Did you protest?”

Leonard: “Yes.”

Sheldon: “Vociferously?”

Leonard: “No.”

Sheldon: “Well, then what took you so long?”

Sheldon: “For what it’s worth – My Mother says that when we deceive for personal gain, we make Jesus cry.”

Leonard: “You’re talking like a crazy person.”

Mary (Sheldon’s Mom): “Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he’s fine.”

Sheldon: “Told ya.”

Mary Cooper: “Honey, why did you get a loom?”

Sheldon: “Well, I was working with luminous fish and I thought, ‘Hey… loom.’”

Sheldon: “I recently had a dream that I was a giant. But everything around me was to scale so it all looked normal.”

Leonard: “Well, how did you know you were a giant if everything was to scale?”

Sheldon: “I was wearing size a million pants.”

Leonard: “You’ll never guess what just happened!”

Sheldon: “You went out into the hallway, stumbled into an inter-dimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future, which you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you’re back to bring us all with you to the year 7010, where we transported to work at the ‘Thinkatorium’ by telepathically controlled dolphins.”

Sheldon: “My friend Leonard said if I bothered you while you were eating, you’d think I was a creepy stalker.”

James Earl Jones: “Well, your friend Leonard sounds like a real weeny.”

Sheldon: “He is, Mr. Earl Jones. He is!”

(After Penny leaves the bowling alley for the second time)

Sheldon: “You did this, didn’t you?”

Wil Wheaton: “Come on, Sheldon, do you really think I’d break up a couple just to win a bowling game?”

Sheldon: “…No, I suppose not.”

Wheaton: “Good. Keep thinking that.” (Wil walks away)

Sheldon: (Realizing the sarcastic meaning behind Wil’s words) “Wheeeeaton!”

Sheldon: “You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating certain aspects of daily life. You know – Understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I want – It’s exhausting!”

Sheldon: “I read an article about Japanese scientists who inserted DNA from luminous jelly fish into other animals; and I thought, ‘Hey! Fish night-lights.’”

Leonard: “Fish night-lights?”

Sheldon: “It’s a billion dollar idea … Ssshhhh!!!!”

Penny: “Sheldon, did you have a Christmas tree?”

Sheldon: “Oh, yes… We had a tree.  We had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Clause with plastic reindeer on the front lawn… And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house they induced neighborhood-wise seizures.”

Leonard: “Do you think we can outrun him?”

Sheldon: “I don’t need to outrun him – I just need to outrun you.”

Sheldon: “Is he making any progress? Because I’d like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil”.

Howard: “So would Ben Affleck.”

Sheldon: “The two of you need to get your women in line!”

Leonard: “What?”

Sheldon: “Last night I was strong-armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler, this on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space time geometry in higher spin gravity and building my ‘Lego’ Death Star … and why? Because your gal pals Penny and Bernadette went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy – An action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory, or my ‘Lego’ fun time!”

Howard: “What do you want us to do about it?”

Sheldon: “You clearly weren’t listening to my topic sentence – ‘Get your women in line!’ You make them apologize to Amy and set things right! I am a man of science not someone’s snuggle bunny!”

Leonard: “Why do I have to talk to Penny? She’s not my girlfriend.”

Sheldon: “You invited her to lunch 4 years ago. Everything about her is on you – You make it so!”

Sheldon: “Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.”

Howard: “Thank you, Sheldon.”

Sheldon: “And whether that propagation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question.”

Sheldon: “What are you talking about?”

Leonard: “The cultural paradigm in which people have sex after 3 dates.”

Sheldon: “I see. Now, are we talking “date” the social interaction or “date” the dried fruit?”

Sheldon: “It must be humbling to suck on so many different levels.”

Sheldon: “Hello, I know you’re out there. I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide.”

Sheldon: “Engineering: Where the noble semiskilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, Oompa-Loompas of science.”

Sheldon: “Einstein defined ‘insanity’ as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By that definition, Penny is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.”

Sheldon: “I named him, ‘Zazzles’ because he’s so zazzy!”

Sheldon: “I present to you the “Relationship Agreement.” A binding covenant that in its 31 pages enumerates, illuminates, and codifies the responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper – hereinafter referred to as the ‘Boyfriend’ – and Amy Farrah Fowler – hereinafter referred to as the ‘Girlfriend.’”

Amy: “That’s so romantic!”

Sheldon: “Mutual indemnification always is…”

Raj: “Why so glum, chum?”

Sheldon: “Apparently you can’t hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your Mother.”

Leonard:  “When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.”

Sheldon: “Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen, supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat – A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.”

Sheldon: “We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles – We live at 311 Los Robles.” (Holds up the actual ‘Number 2’ that was once used as the number on the building.)

Leonard: “You changed the address on the building? What about mail?”

Sheldon: “No worries. I explained our predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were, ‘Got your back Jack – Bitches be crazy!’”

Penny: “Can I ask you a question?”

Sheldon: “Given your community-college education, I encourage you to ask me as many as possible.”

Sheldon:  “Because there’s only one mind expanding drug that this man enjoys and that’s called ‘school.’”

Sheldon: “If we poison the critical thinking faculties of children by telling them that rabbits come out of hats, then we create adults who believe in astrology, homeopathy, and that Ryan Reynolds was a better choice for Green Lantern than lovable rogue Nathan Fillion.”

Leonard:  “Well, he’s either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually or he’s looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off.”

Sheldon:Captain Hook’s hand was eaten by a crocodile – Not an alligator. If you want to mock me, at least get your facts straight.”

Leonard:  “Aye, aye, Captain.”

Sheldon: “Maybe your friend, Gunderson, needs to head over to IKEA and assemble a sense of humor.”

Sheldon: “I wouldn’t tell you the secret (Pause). Shhhhh!!!!”

Leonard: “What secret? Tell me the secret.”

Sheldon: “Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it, but we can’t tell Dad.”

Leonard: “Not THAT secret, the other secret…”

Sheldon: I’M BATMAN!!!! SHHHH!!!

Howard: “Hope you don’t mind, I told my girlfriend, Bernadette, she can join us for dinner.”

Leonard: “Sure, the more the merrier.”

Sheldon: “Wait, no. That’s a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we’d be suffocating.”

Sheldon: “Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.”

Leonard: “You really think so?”

Sheldon: “Of course not. Even in my sleep-deprived state, I’ve managed to pull off another one of my classic pranks… BAZINGA!”

Sheldon: “Good morning your honor, Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se – That is to say representing himself.”

Judge: “I know what it means, I went to law school.”

Sheldon: “Yet you wound up in traffic court.”

Zack: “Is that the laser? It’s bitchin’.”

Sheldon: “Yes. In 1917, when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper ‘Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung,’ his fondest hope was that the resultant device, ‘be bitchin’.”

Sheldon: “You bought me a present? Why would you do such a thing? I know you think you’re being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven’t given me a gift – You’ve given me an obligation. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you’ve given me. Ah, it’s no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year. Oh, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life…”


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