The Real HouseSNAKES of Bravo!
In honor of “National Serpent Day” I bring you a few of my favorite snakes from the Bravo “Real Housewives” franchises. You may have some ideas of your own… lol. There are really so many choices… It’s kinda scary, no? lol…
King Cobra – Teresa Giudice (Real Housewives of New Jersey)
Teresa loves to think she’s a matriarch and everyone else should simply bow at her feet. She has shown that she ignores pesky laws and tries to slither out of obeying them. After living a luxurious, overindulgent lifestyle, she and her husband attempted to declare bankruptcy. They falsified documents and lied in order to secure loans they should never have obtained. Teresa seems to feel entitled to own things she’s never actually earned. I do, however, believe that Teresa is a very hard worker. It’s too bad she’s married to such a louse. Teresa’s deceptions resulted in her being physically incarcerated in a cage of her own for the last several months. This took her away from her children, which was very sad.
We learned in the very first couple of episodes way back when that she always insists on living in new homes because she can’t handle living in someone else’s cooties. I wonder well how that worked out for her in prison… She fights dirty, easily flips tables when she gets cranky, and has likely spit in an eye or two. Plus, I’m sure I’ve seen her in a couple of King Cobra patterned outfits. In fairness, I do believe she may be a changed person as a result of her experience. I guarantee she will absolutely make a TON of money off of all of this and, if managed well, will be set for life. It seems so danged wonky to me…
Copperhead – Jill Zarin (Formerly of Real Housewives of New York City)
Jill Zarin is known for her brassy red hair, big mouth, and generally being slimy. Just the other day she demonstrated once again why she’s such a snake when she attributed Lynn Hudson’s horrific and untimely death to being karma for writing blogs that criticized Jill’s actions. She pretends that she’s nice and she may even be delusional enough to actually believe it – But she continues to act like a narcissistic nincompoop who will turn around and bite “friends” at the very first opportunity. Ask Bethenny. Ask Alex. Ask Ramona. Ask LuAnn. Heck, ask anyone. By the way, this is an old picture of Jill referencing a previously aired show… I honestly didn’t want to find anything else…lol… And yes, her picture is smaller than everyone else’s… I’m just that petty. lol.
Sidewinder – Ramona Singer (Real Housewives of New York City)
Ramona can be such a snake because she so easily talks disparagingly about anyone. However, when confronted about it, she somehow uses her horns and sidewinds away like a sidewinder. Her mouth continually gets her into trouble because she just doesn’t think before she speaks. It can seem like you are her best friend in the whole wide world so you get comfortable around her, but she’s really just lulling you into a false sense of security. Suddenly, the “Ramona Stinger” comes out and you don’t even see it coming. This is because much like the sidewinder, she perfectly blends into her surroundings but is really poised to strike at any time. Although she is venomous, she’s not as poisonous as some.
Anaconda – NeNe Leakes (Real Housewives of Atlanta)
There is no question but that NeNe is the anaconda of all of the housewives. She doesn’t mess around… She will squeeze and squeeze you until you can’t breathe… Then unhinge her jaw and swallow you whole. It’s kinda what makes her simultaneously entertaining and a little scary. I mean, you know, if you like anacondas. Watching her over the years, it’s baffled me at how she can stop on a dime and devour someone with whom she’s been great friends. But I gotta hand it to her… she leaves no evidence – Except maybe a canceled friendship agreement. She slithers away from one friendship to another to find new prey. Just last night, she slithered back into the show and did her best to rewrite history. Others on the show may or may not be happy to see her… but it’s clear, NeNe thinks they’re lost without her. The average viewership last season with NeNe was about 3.1 million, and this season without NeNe (Until this episode) was 2.9 million. Maybe they don’t need her THAT badly…lol (Thanks Randy at http://bravowhore.com/RHOA for the stats!).
Diamondback Rattlesnake – Brandi Glanville (Formerly Real Housewives of Beverly Hills)
Brandi is on a continual quest for diamonds but she will likely have to settle for mere pictures of them on the fabrics she wears. She is really venomous to everyone around her. She causes a trail of destruction wherever she goes… She easily sheds her skin and moves to a new one. Did I mention she moved AGAIN last weekend? Are you freakin’ kidding me? I’m so thankful her kids at least have some semblance of having a secure living environment with their Dad’s family. Brandi’s barrage of STFUs and other colorful commentaries are the rattles of her warning before she goes in for the kill. She will divulge ANY secret that furthers her agenda – Nothing is sacred. She spreads gossip as if it’s fact just because she might have heard it somewhere or read it on the internet all of the while pretending to be a “truth canon.” I’m so glad she has slithered away… I wish her well, I’m just glad I don’t hafta deal with her on a continuing basis…lol.
Water Moccasin (Cottonmouth) – Phaedra Parks (Real Housewives of Atlanta)
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I’ve always been intrigued by the shape of Phaedra’s head – which doesn’t seem to belong on her body. Coincidentally, water moccasins also have large, triangular heads. In addition, I think there is just something inherently slimy about a former lawyer that’s married to a felon, who wants to make money off the grief of others. Speaking of her currently incarcerated husband, how much do YOU think she knew about her husband’s business dealings? I think likely more than she will admit. Like water moccasins, I imagine Phaedra can often be found hanging out near swamps and drainage ditches. It irritates me how she pretends to be so religious and all that, but is the first to throw shade at anyone about anything. It just hits me wrong. She slithers along through life with her head barely above water while the rest of everything else is completely submerged. It’s all gonna bite her. I mean seriously bite her. Pun intended…
Coral Snake – Vicki Gunvalson (Real Housewives of Orange County)
Vicki has issues with clashing colors so I’m attributing her to the coral snake. She is highly poisonous, unlike her lookalike friends, much like the coral snake. The order of the bands of color on the snake make a BIG difference in telling which snakes are poisonous and which are not. Note… This is ONLY in North America… “Red touches yellow, death says hello. Black touches red, keep your head.” Sometimes I like Vicki… Sometimes I don’t… After this last season, I’m having a really hard time believing any poison that comes spewing out of her mouth. And this was a season in which her Mom died… It’s hard to turn an entire viewing population against you during a season like that – but she managed to do so somehow.
Boa Constrictor – Tamra Judge (Real Housewives of Orange County)
Tamra is just slimy to me. She always has been. She says very vile things and then pretends she didn’t. While that can likely be said of others, she just seems especially good at it. Oh, and then she pretends to be a victim. It’s like she squeezes the life out of everyone and then slithers on to her next victim. She is strategically plotting her every move so she can gain approval from the viewers. She will do almost anything to polish her image. She will always be the one who wanted to get Gretchen “naked wasted” and who screamed at a guest at her own dinner party. She purports to have had a conversion that culminated in a baptism at the end of last season and only time will tell if her life has truly changed. And it will take time. LOTS of time… But riddle me this, who wears a white, transparent dress at their own baptism when they know they will be fully immersed in the water? I’m still shaking my head over that one…
Gardener/Garter Snake – Lisa Vanderpump (Real Housewives of Beverly Hills)
I was tempted to find the name of a pink snake (We had one at college…lol). I figured she loves flowers so much that she would make a good gardener snake…lol. I do believe Lisa can act like a snake at times with her cutting comebacks that are enveloped in a seemingly harmless British-accented laff. However, maybe it’s just because I generally like her (I could never be her friend cuz I’m way too sensitive, thought…lol), but she seems more harmless than her other snaky counterparts. I hate that recently, she has especially shown her propensity to stick her nose into obvious areas it doesn’t belong when she pummels people with inappropriate questions. This seems like classic snakelike behavior. She is fiercely protective of her family and her business. I get it. I am, too. I guess there seems to be a purposefulness in some of her actions and I’m just uncomfortable with it. So she’s a snake… but just not a horribly dangerous snake… Although, I’m sure she could do some major damage when she wants…
Do you have any additions? Do you disagree? There were a few others I could have easily added, but it’s getting late and I needed to post this on National Serpent Day… lol.