Real Housewives of Atlanta
“House of Shade and Dust” – S9/E1
AKA: “Shade by Shereé”
Surprise! Who’d have thought I’d ever write about the Real Housewives of Atlanta? I think I concluded that if I could make it through this election, this season of Real Housewives of Orange County and New Jersey – that surely I could write a few times about Atlanta this season, no?
Cynthia looks GREAT! It looks like she’s about to lose about 185 lbs of dead weight named “Peter.” But I’m sure we first we must endure some stomach turning communications between the two of them throughout this season. I hate divorce… but I don’t hate this particular divorce. He’s been an anchor on her for way too long. I don’t even want to imagine how much money he sucked out of her. He’s such an ass and I hate his biting jokes. Wave buh bye, Peter!
Oh goody! Right off the bat it’s a battle of the McMansions between Kenya’s “Moore Manor” and Shereé’s “Chateau Shereé!” Which mansion will be done first? Which mansion will be best? Which mansion will house the biggest diva? Which mansion will the police be called out to the most? Which mansion has the best snacks? This pseudo competition can’t be the biggest storyline of the season, right? I mean who really wins? Finishing the fastest is rarely best, no? I’d want stuff to be done right which does not generally mean fast. I think Shereé has had like a 3 year head start on Kenya – which is hardly fair, no?
NeNe is nowhere to be found this season. Do we care? <crickets chirping>
By the way, I’m already pissed off at Shereé because of the accent on that danged second “e” – I just knew I’d screw it up all season long so I hadta break down and add it to my autocorrect – and that just puts me in a cranky mood all around… lol… Watch out! You’ve been warned!
Can we just conclude that both women win because they’re both single women building their dream houses on their own to THEIR specifications and not to someone else’s? Who cares if it takes 4 years? I mean, unless you’re their neighbors… Then you care… Then you care a lot… lol. It’s hilarious to me to think Kenya and Shereé are close neighbors. I wonder which one has the best camera/surveillance setup? ‘Cuz you KNOW they’re gonna spy on each other, right?
I’m trying to think… How long did it take Her Royal Heatherness on RHOC to build their latest monstrosity? And they have two highly paid working adults throwing tons of real money at it… It still cracks me up that Heather’s house got done on the exact day this season’s finale was filmed – I really got the idea the finale was originally planned to be at Her Royal Heatherness’ new castle but that construction got behind schedule and she didn’t want anyone to see it until it was absolutely perfect. Of course she didn’t… lol.
Meanwhile, back in Atlanta… Doesn’t it get stifling hot there with humidity that will just about kill you dead? I gotta admit that when I looked at the huge rooms with very high ceilings in both of these houses I kinda laffed. So, like, is air conditioning free in Atlanta or what? That’s a LOT of dead air to cool down, no?
Or, maybe, they purposefully WANT to kill their guests with the heat… Wow… that’s genius, no? Kenya could invite Porsha over and just conveniently forget to turn on the air conditioning… No one would even question it – Surely, it wouldn’t take long for Porsha to melt into a ginormous puddle of goo ‘cuz she’s had so much work done on her face, body, and bootay… Allegedly…
Now, if ya throw in Phaedra – it would be a twofer! You could actually kill two turds birds with one stone. Can you tell they’re my least favorites on the show? Lol… It’s kinda why I haven’t written about the Real Housewives of Atlanta much – ‘Cuz I might say something overly mean about them. But hey… I’m living live on the edge these days… Come along… It will be a fun ride! Lol!
Matt Went Splat
Kenya had been dating Matt for about a year… However, they got into a big fight when they went on a vacation. Going on vacation with people can bring out the best and worst in them…
So the story goes that Kenya and Matt were on vacation in Mexico. For some reason, Matt looked at Kenya’s cell phone and saw some text messages that made him angry enough to kick in the door of their hotel room where Kenya had locked herself. He threw Kenya’s stuff all around the room.
There were lots of rumors swirling around when this happened – but the bottomline is that at some point Kenya felt unsafe and took matters into her own hands by locking herself in a hotel room to get safe. Clearly, Matt reacts verbally and physically when he gets angry. Esto no está bien. (Well, they were in Mexico, after all… hadta use some of my 7th grade Spanish – Miss Quilty would be so proud).
Everyone agrees that what Matt did was wrong on every level. You gotta think long and hard about being in a relationship with someone who gets physical like that when they’re mad… Anger is a strong emotion that can quickly go terribly wrong. Learning how to properly handle anger can be a lifelong pursuit. For me, being angry is not innately wrong – it’s all about how you channel it.
The thing that I feel was completely and conveniently overlooked is that there was obviously something on Kenya’s phone that caused Matt’s immediate anger. The clear insinuation is that she was texting some other guy in such a way that Matt would get jealous.
If you’re prone to jealous outbursts – almost any innocent text with the opposite sex could be misconstrued as being flirty. Matt could have easily overreacted to something he read that was written quite innocently.
However, we also know that when Kenya’s involved that where there’s smoke there’s usually fire. We ALL know Kenya is exceedingly flirtatious – Heck, we’ve had front row seats to actually see her in action when she’s flirted various men throughout the seasons of this show. Most of them… Wait, no… Some of them… Wait, no, that’s not right, either… Maybe one of them might have actually been a boyfriend… Allegedly… But we can’t tell for sure since she’s made a habit of lying about having boyfriends when they were actually just paid props for the show… Allegedly…
Matt could have also read something on Kenya’s phone that was explicit enough to be considered sexting at some level. Who knows? Unless Kenya comes clean, we really don’t know anything other than they broke up for a while. Spoiler alert – It looks like they’re back together again at this point in real life.
However, they weren’t together at the time so he wasn’t invited to the house warming. No amount of flowers and “I Love You” balloons is gonna change that anytime soon, Matt.
By the way, I don’t know who is gonna win this war of the McMansions… But I will say the view from the full length window in Kenya’s bedroom is to die for… She looks out on a forest of trees – it was so danged beautiful. Oh, and her toilet… It is also to die for… Kenya even tweeted about it…
Speaking of toilets…
Kandi’s Ace in the Hole
Kandi and Todd had a baby boy on 1-6-16 and they named him “Ace.” He is absolutely the cutest baby in the entire world. Every morning he wakes up smiling and happy – which is a physical impossibility for most of us unless caffeine is being pumped into us intravenously in our sleep. I wonder if you could pump an iced mocha frappuccino intravenously … Wow… then I really WOULD have ice running through my veins…lol.
At the point when they’re filming, Ace is merely 5 months old yet Kandi is already potty training him by propping him up in a sitting position on an actual toilet seat (slightly modified). I can hear it now, “Ace dropped a deuce in the potty… Yay!” Kandi was able to train her daughter by doing this so now they’re trying to train their son. I didn’t even know this was possible… Wow… I learned something new today… Now, may I go back to bed? I’m tired… lol.
Kandi says she doesn’t care if she ever has another baby because she says that this “Ace” made her have a “Full House.” I’m no psychic, but there’s gonna be a whole long season of “Ace” jokes and puns, no? He’s adorable. I’m sure he’s a genius, too. And I’m sure I’ll cheer along with Kandi and Todd when Ace drops a deuce in da potty! Yay!
Kenya’s Farce of a House Warming
Who plans a house warming when your house isn’t finished yet? I mean it’s right there in the actual title…. In order to HAVE a “House Warming” you FIRST need a house, dagnabit! Fortunately, the weather has given them plenty of the “warming” part.
I honestly just don’t get it – Except that I’m sure it was a Production thing. They needed a “Gathering” to launch the season and Kenya over-promised that her house would be ready by the start date. I get maybe setting a date when you’re in the decoration phase – but even at that it’s only a maybe… or perhaps when MOST of the rooms are done except the last 2 and you rope those off so people don’t go snooping in them…
Did I mention the invitations were delivered on what presumably was a deep fuschia velvet pillow by a costumed man perched atop a Cinderella-esque horse-drawn carriage? Was Kenya signaling that she considers Moore Manor to be a princess’s castle? Has she lost a glass slipper recently? Has she choked on her tiara? Has she lost her ever lovin’ mind?
They are actually doing paint touch ups, etc. minutes before the guests arrive. Oh… that’s gotta stink up the place – Especially in the heat… Plus you can’t just herd everyone outside ‘cuz it’s way too hot to last very long out there if you believe Shereé’s overly dramatic heat exhaustion schtick. At one point, Shereé went and physically stood on an air conditioning vent. #PopsiclesByShereé
Kenya tweeted this – which I thought was kinda odd…
Aren’t Kenya and Shereé about the same age? Why is Kenya teasing Shereé about menopause? Am I gonna hafta go look this crap up? Okay, now I’m really cranky… Ok.. just a minute… I’ll be right back…
Okay, I’m back… Here are their ages according to the preponderance of evidence – Some sources vary somewhat so it’s hard to know for sure – And so many women lie about their real ages anyway… but this is what I found out (but feel free to correct it if you have a great source):
Porsha – 35 – June 22, 1981
Kandi – 40 – May 17, 1976
Phaedra – 43 – October 26, 1973
Kenya – 45 – January 24, 1971
Shereé – 46 – January 2, 1970
Cynthia – 48 – February 19, 1968
I generally don’t comment on people’s ages, ‘cuz, well, ya know… lol. However… Isn’t it hilarious that the oldest (Cynthia) looks way, WAY better than the youngest (Porsha)? I never really think about their ages, to be honest – ‘Cuz they generally don’t give me a reason to… Well, except when Porsha made that brain-meltingly ignorant comment about how she thought the underground railroad was a physical railroad that ran underground with real trains and stuff…. Ugh… Kids these days… Except that she’s no kid – she’s a 35-year-old grown-ass woman who should have a much better grasp on her own dang heritage.
Shereé cast so much shade at Kenya and Moore Manor that you would think it would have cooled everything down 20 degrees. She kept pointing out the foibles of the house as she entered – and she even questioned if the handrail was sturdy enough. She said that Kenya’s entire house could fit into her master suite. Shereé complained that it was so hot that “even the dogs had titty sweat.” I knew at that moment that the reason Shereé didn’t have the money to pay for the timely construction on her own dang house was because she was too busy paying a team of comedic writers of shade for her one-liners. Sit yourself down…
When Kenya learned of the shade, she said this both on the show and in this tweet:
Kenya, Cynthia, and Shereé stand around talking about who was invited to this event. EVERYONE was invited except Porsha who has shown herself to be a physical threat at any housewife gatherings. Why is she still on this show again? However, we all know this is a work event – so we all know Porsha is gonna show up, right? Her friend Phaedra is making sure of that…
So, this week, we see Phaedra and Porsha on their way to Moore Manor. They filmed another segment for this episode, but who cares? I don’t… My eyes glazed over it all… As they get into the car, they both stick out their tongues as far as they can go and wiggle them. Who does that? It’s just weird to me… Perhaps they’re panting like the dogs they are because it’s so hot? Perhaps they’re trying to be THOTs… Perhaps they’re looking for a man and they’re advertising their one and only skill set… Who knows?
When Shereé sees them arrive, she bursts into loud, uncontrollable cackling that any brood of hens would envy. Shereé knows that Kenya is gonna be cranky and she’s slurping up every minute of it.
Wait… So they’re stretching this housewarming into 2 episodes? KMN!
And so it begins… This was a pretty tame episode. There was just enough shade and very little of Phaedra and Porsha. This is a very good thing… but I have a feeling it’s going to change next week. I’ll try to put on my big girl pants and blog it if ya’ll are watching…
Do you watch Vanderpump Rules? I watch it but I’ve never really blogged about it. I may regret admitting that I watch it… lol. These guys make me go batcrapcrazy! It might be fun to write about, though… ‘Cuz there’s so much to snark about, right? Lol… But I don’t want to do it if no one is watching or is interested in reading about it. As always, thanks so much for reading!
Video of the Week
This week’s video is actually a cat food commercial that had me dying laffin’. Make sure you have your sound turned on… The YouTube video was posted by temptationsbrand entitled, “TEMPTATIONS™ – Keep Them Busy.” Enjoy!