The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
“Big Buddha Brawl” – S7/E16
AKA: Erika Jayne Goes Completely Insane
Holy Crap on a Cracker! What in the HECK happened on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (RHOBH)? Clearly, Bravo should have provided ALL of us ginormous tubs of buttered popcorn so we could appropriately watch this bloody Hong Kong Grudge Match. BTW, I hope you read “bloody” with a fake English accent à la Dorit!
These women have reached a new level of wackadoodleness – well actually beyond wackadoodle… Seriously, what comes AFTER wackadoodle? I don’t even know. Plus, Erika has lost her ever lovin’ mind.
If the women want to be on the show next season – they’ve gotsta create drama NOW ‘cuz they’re running out of time. Since they’ve been kinda boring this entire season, someone must have decided they need to start back at the very beginning of the season in a weird “Do-Re-Mi” song and “Peekaboo” game mashup.
So yes, AGAIN we’re unfortunately talking about PantyGate 2017™®©… <le sigh>
But first, as the eternal optimist… Let’s look at the positive aspects of this episode, shall we?
- No one talked about Kim’s sobriety even once throughout the whole episode. Contrary to popular belief, the world did NOT collapse on itself… Although I will say, we might be getting closer to it… But ya know… if something DOES happen to us – at least we have all of those pictures taken by the microwave to remember us by. #SayCheese… I wonder if you can upload pictures from the microwave directly onto iCloud?
- No one plunged to their death on the glass-bottom bi-cabled trams (Ngong Ping 360 “Crystal Cabin” trams) they took up the mountains to see the Tin Tan Buddha. Vanderpinkie wanted to playfully jump up and down to further terrorize an already freaked out Kyle and Dorit in their tram ‘cuz they were absolutely convinced they were gonna die. I do think Dorit might have wished that she had indeed plunged to her death after the dinner from hell that happened later on… but that’s a whole nuther Oprah and we’ll get to that in a moment…
- No one used the term “junk boat” to refer to the junk they were on like they did over and over again last week. A “junk” is an ancient Chinese wooden sail boat. It’s just plain “junk” not “junk boat.” #Gooberheads. These women would have known better if they had completed their childhood mandated reading list that included Franklin W. Dixon’s masterpiece, The Mystery of the Chinese Junk (Hardy Boys Series #39).
- Hong Kong looks beautiful. Too bad we didn’t see much of it. As usual, these Americans did us no favors with how they behaved there. I doubt any of us will be allowed to visit Hong Kong for a long, long time.
PantyGate 2017™®©, Chapter 247
A million years ago in a galaxy far, far away, we left PantyGate 2017™®©… Squish your face so you can remember how Erika had decided not to wear panties one night when she wore a very short and tight dress to a dinner party. You can imagine that gracefully sitting down was a tad tough and she accidently flashed Dorit’s husband, PK, who creepily gawked at her and then told his wife about it the next day.
Later in the week, as a new kid, Dorit thought it would be funny to buy Erika a pair of panties since she had clearly run out of her own and give them to Erika as a joke. But first, Dorit asked some of the other women’s opinions about the situation and they all thought it was funny. Everyone figured Erika would just laff it off.
There was talk about whether or not the flash was entirely accidental or not. I think some people connected PK’s connection in the entertainment industry with the fact that Erika is trying to break into the music industry… Erika’s songs and videos are holy cow sexually provocative – So there’s that.
Anyhoo… We ALL thought we had gotten over PantyGate 2017™®© once and for all – We were wrong. So wrong.
50 Shades of Shade
So much shade was thrown at various housewives throughout the episode that I had to put on a sweater it was so cold. All of the situations kind of blur into one another… So let’s look at it by thrower…
Shockingly, she didn’t say much this episode except to defend Dorit, to attempt to put the whole thing into perspective for an increasingly amped up Erika, and to surprisingly defend Eileen.
However, at dinner, after Rinna had gotten louder and louder and inserted herself into a conversation that had nothing to do with her… Rinna FINALLY stuffed a shrimp in her own mouth and said that she didn’t have anything else to say and that she was “done.” Vanderpinkie said,“I don’t believe it.” Lol… See… this stuff just cracks me up!
Ooo oooo ooo… I just thought of another instance… It was when Erika went outside after being upset with Dorit. Vanderpinkie of ALL people goes outside to comfort Erika (go figure, right?)… Erika assures Vanderpinkie through teary eyes that she’s “fine.” Vanderpinkie very nicely and in a genuine way says, “You don’t have to be fine all of the time.”
Now, before we all find ourselves sitting around a campfire, toasting marshmallows for s’mores, and singing, “Kumbayah” – Vanderpinkie says in her TH that she doesn’t like to see people cry. She then throws shade at Erika by saying, “Clearly, the Ice Queen is melting.” Careful Vanderpinkie… Ice Queens have crowns, ya know… and Erika wants to snatch yours away. Wait… are we even allowed to use the word “snatch” when one of the subjects is PantyGate 2017™®©? #Asking4AFriend
Dorit is one of our special snowflakes on the show. It is absolutely true that she has been vying for Erika’s attention for… like… ever. People didn’t really like Dorit in the beginning – but they seem to have all somewhat warmed up to her… all except Erika.
Dorit reminds me of a yapper dog who keeps yapping until she gets your attention – and she doesn’t seem to mind if it’s the wrong kind of attention. Erika came right out and told her that she had her attention now… lol. Rut roh…
Dorit’s Shade Is Green
Dorit gives off the air of being a green with envy wannabe. She tries to impress with name dropping, endlessly talking about everywhere she’s been or lived, flaunting her material wealth (or lack thereof), and most importantly – using that hilarious put-on fake English accent.
The shade she attempted to throw during the episode:
- She told Erika, “What on earth would I need from you, Erika? You’re not that interesting. You’re not fu*king fun. You’re not fu*king nice at all. You’re cold as fu*king ice and stoic. Why in the hell would I be vying for your attention?” Wow… ouch.
- She blamed Erika that she was the only one she hadn’t been able to, “somehow connect with.”
- Doirt irritated the entire universe by calling Erika, “honey” about a million times. I really, really hate that.
- She said to Erika, “I question whether you have feelings.”
- Dorit says to Erika when confronted about her insinuations that Erika’s “flashing” was purposeful, “I’m sorry that these girls [Rinna and Eileen] made this very big in your head.” Then Rinna and Eileen REALLY reacted to this and told Dorit she’s mean. Dorit tells Rinna that, “It was a fu*king joke.” Rinna disagrees.… I guess that’s two more people Dorit can cross off her Thanksgiving Dinner guest list…
- Dorit tries to convince Erika that she doesn’t really want to be her friend because she says that she doesn’t surround herself with cold people…. oooOOoooo…. Erika coldly tells her to stop talking to her… lol.
Erika Girardi – Not to be Confused with “Erika Jayne” but Maybe We Are?
Let’s preface this whole thing by saying that Erika is trying desperately to make us believe that she was humiliated by PantyGate 2017™®©. While many of us WOULD have been humiliated had it happened to us… Some may find it a tad hard to believe that our special little snowflake, Erika, was devastated by it.
‘Cuz… Ya know… We ARE talking about Erika… The one who sexily gyrates around on stages around the world and in her music videos wearing next-to-nothing… The one who got completely naked in front of the camera except for some blurred out spots when she was getting spray tanned… The one we’ve seen over and over again in various stages of “dress” and “undress… The one who proudly wears a “See You Next Tuesday + y” necklace… And lastly, Erika IS the one who chose to wear a short dress that was so tight that she didn’t want to wear panties. Flashage is a risk in that scenario. It just is.
It’s hard to believe that anything embarrasses Erika, really. But I will say that the difference might be that SHE is in control of all of these other situations – so they’re done on her terms. She shows what she wants – when she wants. To suddenly feign complete humiliation is hard for us to stomach when we’ve seen so much of hers.
Erika’s Shade is Red and Read
Erika threw so much shade that it splattered on innocent bystanders. One thing I like about Erika is her direct approach with people. She tells it like it is – at least most of the time. I don’t even mind that it takes her a minute to warm up to people she doesn’t know – Certainly these women have not done much to make me want to trust any of them any time soon, right?
We’ve seen in recent episodes how her mom raised her not to cry or to be emotional which explains Erika’s disdain for the perpetual dramatic flooding of crocodile tears that surround these shows.
I also think Erika does not cry because she doesn’t want to ruin perfectly good makeup. She might get into trouble with her own personal Glam Squad, no? By the way… 99% of the time Erika’s hair looks fabulous… Her hairstyles are absolutely awesome. It may be what I like most about watching her…lol.
Erika certainly “read” people throughout this episode AND she also saw “red.” Right before our eyes, she turned from Erika Jayne into Erika Insane… Let’s look at some of it, shall we?
- She tells Dorit, “I say important sh*t – you say too much boring sh*t.” Okay, ouch… lol… but really, isn’t it ALL just “sh*t” anyway whether it’s boring or not? It’s still a bunch of crap, no? Lol.
- After Dorit whines about not connecting with her, Erika says, “That’s because I don’t like bullsh*tters, Dorit, and that’s what I think you are.” Lol…
- In her TH, Erika says of Dorit, “Sometimes, you know, you just gotta let people know how full of sh*t they really are. I guess now is the right time.”
- After accusing Dorit of vying for her attention, Erika says, “I must have touched a nerve – you’re obviously loud.” The hilarious part was that Dorit was actually NOT really that loud – especially when compared to “real housewife” standards.
- Erika said to Dorit, “Do you think I’m really going to like you after all that happened after the underwear?” It seems that Erika’s issue regarding PantyGate 2017™®© is that Erika thinks Dorit took Erika’s innocent flashing and insinuated she purposely did it for PK’s attention. However, the problem with Erika bringing it up now after all these weeks later is that they had hashed it out a long time ago. There’s footage that shows Vanderpinkie asking them specifically, “Is this the end of it?” Erika and Dorit simultaneously say, “For me it is.” And they playfully high-5ed each other. Erika even winked at Dorit. It seemed like they had put PantyGate 2017™®© to bed, so to speak. But no… (Or perhaps because of the subject matter, I should have said, “butt no…”)… lol… I crack myself up… (Look…. I just said “crack”…)… lol. Okay… okay… I’ll stop… before I further emBAREASS myself… lol.
- In Erika’s TH, she said, “Does it feel good to tell Dorit to go f*ck herself? Yeah, it does.” Completely hilarious…
- Erika says to Dorit, “Being embarrassed like that is not fun, Dorit. And being talked about like that is not fun.” After Dorit tells Erika she should have told her how she was feeling at the time, Erika clearly spells it out for her now, “Well Dorit… that hurt my feelings.” Erika then launches into talk about her even having feelings by saying, “Believe me Dorit – I have them – I know that you don’t think that I do.”
- Dorit told Erika, “I was not looking at all – nor would I ever – to defame your character, or to make you look bad, or to hurt your feelings.” Erika dryly said, “Well you did all 3 – but thanks.” Erika later said, “She’s [Dorit] out to humiliate me… Hooray! You did it! (Clap, clap, clap).”
Holy Irony, Batman!
- Evidently, Rinna-nesia is contagious because Dorit feebly attempted to tell everyone that she didn’t remember saying certain things about Erika. Rinna jumped on her about that. The irony was that Rinna had just recently used the Rinna-nesia excuse for her own misdeeds. At least I think she did… but now I’m not so sure… I just don’t remember exactly… See? It’s contagious, I tell ya!
- In her Talking Head interview (TH) – Dorit held her nose and attempted to mock Erika’s voice by saying, “You’re desperate for my attention. You’re desperate for my relationship.” Okay, now this is so rich because we know that everyone HATES Dorit’s fake put-on English accent and it’s so ironic that SHE is making fun of how someone else talks. Okay, I realize I’ve mentioned said accent a few times thus far… and I should prolly edit some of them out – but really, it’s pretty annoying. If you’re going to do an English accent… at least learn how to do one right… They’ve got tutorials on YouTube, for goodness sake.
- Rinna says to Dorit, “What is REALLY going on here? What is it really? Why are you so defensive? Why can’t you be like, ‘I fu*ked up here and I’m so sorry. I’m sorry my husband was glaring at your fu*king vagina and I’m sorry.” Rinna seems to be continuing to suffer from “Rinna-nesia” because she’s certainly been having problems “Owning” her own crap this season, no?
- Rinna stood up and walked over to Dorit to continue to yammer at her. Dorit tells her to not get in her fu*king face. Rinna tells Dorit not to threaten her…. LOL… This is the same Lisa Rinna who stood up and broke a glass in Kim Richard’s direction whilst on a different Bravo-sponsored trip… The same Rinna who sent extremely threatening texts that were revealed on that season’s Reunion show… However, you will be happy to know that Rinna has fulfilled her annual bird flipping quota by dramatically flipping off Dorit. #SettingAGreatExample #3TimesAnnually
- Later, Rinna makes a big deal about asking Dorit the question, “Do you trust your husband?” Kyle immediately jumps on that and says that it was a weird thing to say. Rinna responds, “No, that’s not a weird thing to say. Because why would she feel so threated by Erika if she really trusted her husband? I’m just being real.” Really, Lisa? You broke a glass and threatened Kim over much less. Plus, shouldn’t you be asking Erika that question instead? ‘Cuz I suspect this whole subject is being brought up again because of issues with Tom.
- And the pièce de résistance for Rinna was when she questioned where all the people had gone during one of Dorit’s intimate dinner gatherings. It seems that all of the sudden Rinna found herself all alone after dinner when everyone said they had to go “powder” their nose. Rinna asks Dorit if they all met to do cocaine in the bathroom… This accusation is coming from the woman with a ziplock of pills… Settle down, Rinna – After spending a couple of hours with you – They all just wanted to get away from you. I don’t blame them one little bit. This allegation was shocking to me… Rinna would have FLIPPED her ever lovin’ fig if someone had said that to her. But… she IS a soap opera star…
Erika Jayne Goes Completely Insane
No one has been more of a fan of Erika than Eileen. Seriously… She has defended her… Gotten her a part on her soap opera… Has really been there for her… So tonight when Erika completely turned on Eileen and went off on her… My jaw dropped and bounced on the floor a couple of times.
I suspect that Erika is unsure about how her husband and his prim and proper law partners are going to handle her PantyGate 2017™®© storyline this season. Oh sure, they know about her “Erika Jayne” persona… But the whiff of innuendo that she’s purposely flashing men might not go over very well.
I also think Erika fiercely loves and defends her son as any mother would do. After the episode aired, I’ve seen some pretty disturbing comments that insinuate that just because Erika didn’t actually raise him – that she must not love him now. How do we know that the decision for Erika’s son’s father to raise him wasn’t in fact the best choice for her son at the time? There could have been a lot of factors involved that we don’t know about…
I think it’s possible to recognize you’re not that great of a parent. It’s also possible to be narcissistic and to put your own wants and dreams ahead of anything and anyone else – including a child. I think the fact that it seems that Erika and her son have a good relationship now is very telling. If Erika’s son has forgiven her – if forgiveness was even necessary – shouldn’t we do the same?
Eileen (“That Tramp!” – I used to love but now not so much except during this episode I wanted to hug the daylights outta her) was trying to bring some closure to the subject… Dorit had already apologized to Erika and Eileen was asking what more Erika wanted from Dorit. Here’s a snippet of the conversation:
Eileen said, “She’s already said that’s she’s sorry – What do you want then?”
Erika replied, “I mean it is what it is…”
Eileen asked, “So there’s nothing she could say or do to make it okay?”
Erika replied, “Not to me.”
Eileen said, “But she didn’t… She didn’t kill your child. And she didn’t…”
Erika said, “Hey Eileen… Let’s not do that… I’m not… I don’t hafta forgive anyone… so let’s not do that. And don’t ever bring up killing my child again because my child COULD get killed.”
Eileen attempted to clarify, “I didn’t mean it that way, Erika. I’m just saying she didn’t commit a horrible, heinous crime.”
Erika said, “Eileen – Don’t ever bring up my kid again. Don’t ever do that.”
Eileen explained, “I didn’t mean it that way. Figure of speech.”
Erika really went off on Eileen and said some very colorful things to her. Everyone… and I do mean, EVERYone was defending Eileen in a nice way. Even Vanderpinkie!
I personally think if Eileen had said, “She didn’t kill anyone” instead of “She didn’t kill your child” – things might have gone drastically different.
Rinna didn’t say anything but went over to Erika to comfort her. Later, she also abruptly changed the subject. I’m not especially a Rinna fan… but I think both were gestures to take the heat off of Eileen. Rinna’s gotten a lot of flak for this… but I really do think she was trying to do what she could to help the situation.
I think a huge part of Erika’s reaction was that of a mother who is afraid for her police officer son. There has been so much violence against police officers recently – and it was heightening right about the time of filming. Anyone who has a loved one who is a police office, a fire fighter, is in the military, or has some other dangerous job… knows about this fear.
So Erika went batcrapcrazy at Eileen. She was inconsolable. It was weird that Erika didn’t walk her words back when she realized that Eileen wasn’t talking about Erika’s son… that it was a poor word choice. I wonder if there was some stuff that we didn’t see.
I dunno. But that on/off switch of Erika’s kinda unnerves me. <shivers>
Thanks for taking the time to read these musings… It will be interesting to see how this all ends up, won’t it? They’re almost out of time this season… I appreciate that you check back to see if anything’s been posted after so long… It has been a real battle recently… I REALLY appreciate you reading with kind eyes – I didn’t feel up to editing like I would have wanted to… so I posted with errors…to make sure I actually posted something… Ehh… a few typos never hurt anyone… lol… I value you all so much!
Until we meet again… Happy Trails!
Video of the Week
In honor of Harvey, our pet iguana my brother had while growing up, I give you this YouTube video posted by Leff Handed Productions entitled, “Stan & Romeo Are Friends.”
I just really love this hilarious video of a Jack Russell Terrier having way too much fun for words during a dog competition. The YouTube video was posted by Crufts and entitled, “Hilarious Jack Russell Goes Crazy with Excitement at Crufts 2017!” Enjoy!