“Let Them Eat Cake, Dagnabit”
Just When You Thought
It Was Safe to Watch
A Reality Show…
October 9, 2017
Over the last few weeks, our country’s been forced to deal with several devastating hurricanes, destructive wildfires, and a shockingly horrific mass shooting. We also seem to be playing a game of chicken with a dictator who would love, love, LOVE nothing more than to drop a nuke on us and blow us all into smithereens… Good times.
I admit that I’ve been overwhelmed by the gruesomeness of the unthinkable realities people are facing daily just to stay alive. My heart breaks…
It just seemed so trite and completely tone deaf to talk about the “reality” of reality shows like the “real housewives” when all of this was going on in our world.
But then I realized that escapism through laughter is one of the ways we’re gonna make it through all of this – Otherwise, we might as well just collapse into a ginormous puddle of goo.
Therefore, in addition to other articles here and there, I’ve decided to write a weekly post entitled “Snarkables.” It will be my snarky perspectives on the variety of reality shows I watch every week.
Scary, no? Just when you thought it was safe to watch a reality show…
Let Them Eat Cake, Dagnabit!
This week, the Real Housewives of New Jersey (RHONJ) premiered with a completely unnecessary waste of perfectly good cake. While they were vacationing in Boca Raton, Siggy, had a very fancy cake baked for Melissa’s birthday. It was a more of a work of art than a cake.
Choosing to commit a crime against humanity, Melissa and Teresa decided they would rather throw the cake at each other than eat it. Hold on a minute… Have we seen a real housewife ever actually eat cake? I think not…
Well, unless you count the incident several seasons ago on the Real Housewives of Orange County (RHOC). Heather Dubrow threw a party and Sarah Winchester was so famished that she ate the frosting bow off of her Royal Heatherness’ cake before the cake was officially cut. This ridiculousness created CakeGate 2014™®© aka BowGate 2014™®©.
But that doesn’t really count, ‘cuz Sarah wasn’t a full-fledged “real housewife” – She was only categorized as a “friend.”
It was all Heather’s fault, though, for not serving food at a party. Who does that? Who throws a party with copious amounts of alcohol but no food? That, too, is a crime against humanity.
By the way, did it bother anyone else that on Below Deck the crew whined about how this week’s passengers didn’t drink alcohol? It was weird to me that they spun it as being a negative thing. Surely, this couldn’t have been the first time they had a charter that didn’t drink, right?
Never fear, though, ‘cuz the yacht’s chef stupidly drank enough for 10 people so he managed to totally screw-up the food. OMG… You’re the danged Chef – You have ONE job…
Well, in all fairness, he DID have to quickly run to the side of the boat to back up the deck crew when their mind-blowing incompetence almost sank the yacht… For those who have watched previous seasons, do you remember Chef Ben ever having to do that? ‘Cuz I don’t…
I don’t even remember Kate’s crew helping the deck crew out too much… But in all fairness to Kate’s crew this season, I’m not entirely sure one of the stewardesses could even find the deck if she had to… But I digress… Let’s get back to Boca…
Teresa and Melissa completely demolished the cake along with my hopes and dreams. C’mon, there are starving people in Orange County who need to eat that cake. And no, I wasn’t talking about Shannon Beador… I was talking about myself.
Personally, I think Melissa or Teresa should be put in prison for their actions… Oh wait, that’s already been done… Never mind…
You would think prison jokes would get old… But no…
Inflated Egos and Deflated Balls
The RHOC featured a “Balls Voyage” party for Lydia’s husband who was forced by his loving wife to get a vasectomy. This was clear case of copy cattery of Kelly Dodd’s “Boobs Voyage” themed party she threw for herself just a couple of episodes ago when Kelly got her fake chesticles reduced.
But is it really a party when the yacht you’re having the party on never even leaves the dock? I mean, what’s the point? It’s like getting all dressed up and renting a limo but you never leave your own driveway.
Rumor has it that Lydia is carrying her husband’s balls and Kelly’s previously owned silicon boobages in her new flesh-toned Birkin bag with a cream colored interior.
Meanwhile, I can’t believe we’re going to talk about RHONJ again, BUT… Siggy said some stuff that really shocked me this week. Siggy’s book about relationships she wrote a couple of years ago has really taken off. She’s now attending several speaking engagements per week to promote it and to speak to “anyone who wants to be inspired.” (Cough, cough… gag, gag…)
Aren’t other people supposed to tell you that you’re inspiring? It’s not something you say about yourself, right? I mean, sure… I aspire to be a writer… I may have even perspired once or twice in my life… and we ALL know I grow tired… but I would never say of myself that I inspire you… Ya know? It’s just wrong… and gauche… but mostly wrong…
Now if that wasn’t enough, Siggy also says of herself and I’m NOT exaggerating, “The advice that comes out of my mouth and what I’m going to speak about is soup-to-nuts the best thing you’re ever gonna hear.” Clearly, when Siggy was growing up her ego got seriously overinflated by receiving way too many participation trophies and orange slices, right?
Sorry, Siggy – You are NOT the next best thing to sliced bread – Heck, you’re not even better than the leftover orange slices that remain on the soccer table after the game.
Speaking of idioms like “the next best thing to sliced bread”…
Idiom-challenged or Idiot – You Decide
I hate to beat around the bush and I hope I’m not barking up the wrong tree when I say that I think Peggy from RHOC is trying to pull the wool over our eyes when she continuously pretends she’s completely stumped by American idioms. I’m not even sure she knows what “stumped” means.
When Peggy thought someone said “penis gallery” instead of “peanut gallery” I laughed my fool head off. Cuz a “penis gallery” is a whole nuther Oprah and at an entirely different gallery exhibition, no?… lol.
I know you can’t judge a book by its cover but I’d like to play the devil’s advocate for a moment. How can someone who’s lived here all but one year of her life and graduated from UCLA as an English major be so unaware of extremely common phrases? Her husband knows them like the back of his hand. She’s completely off her rocker, right? I mean, I’d love to give her the benefit of the doubt but I didn’t just fall off of the turnip truck.
Is Peggy just idiom-challenged or is she an idiot? Your guess is as good as mine.
Cancer, Cauterization, and Colonics
I get twitchy about these 3 Cs.
First up is Peggy and the mother of all “C” words – “Cancer.” She seems to be unable to succinctly explain why she chose to have a double mastectomy. First off, all she really needed to say is that she chose to have a double mastectomy. Period. Is it really any of our business why? No… It’s just that we all have residual scars from Brooks’ fake cancer lunacy that haven’t healed…
If she wanted to explain further… She only needed to say that they found 3mm of cancerous tissue in one of her breasts so she had both of them removed for precautionary reasons. Her Mom died of breast cancer so it’s completely plausible to me. End of story.
The problem is that neither Peggy nor her husband can explain things very well. People think their story has changed, but I really don’t think so. As a result, the RHOC cancer detectives circled around them like a school of sharks. This week, Shannon’s husband also joined in on the interrogation.
I suddenly wonder if Peggy would even understand the phrase, “cancer detectives circled around them like a school of sharks”… Probably not. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them understand similes.
I will say that if my husband ever used the words that I “flipped out” and had a double mastectomy (like Peggy’s husband did)… He would likely soon be my ex-husband.
The next “C” is for “Cauterization.” For some unknown reason, Lydia decided to share with us exactly what a vasectomy entails. I’m sorry, but when you start using the word “cauterize” and “metal” when talking about a man’s hangy down thingie – it just gives me the shivers. That’s all I’m gonna say about that… lol.
This brings us to the last “C” – which is “Colonics.” This week, Kelly and Vicki went together to have a colonic procedure done. Please note they chose to do this voluntarily… On camera… With each other in the room… Let that stink sink in for a moment…
Seriously, “I want to see Vicki and Kelly have a colonic procedure done together” said no one EVER… However…We now have official, undisputable, documented proof that…
VICKI IS FULL OF CRAP!
This Week’s Favorite Reality Show Moments
- Survivor had great twirling street sign puzzle as the 2nd half of this week’s immunity/reward challenge. There were multiple signs on a signpost that pointed in different directions with the locations from previous Survivor seasons written on them. Each sign was vertically split into 2 sections – and teams had to match up the corresponding sign pieces so the sign could properly twirl without hitting an obstacle.
One team was really late getting to this 2nd half of the challenge. The other two teams had a ginormous amount of time to figure it out – but the tardy team astonishingly came from behind and won the challenge! It must have been a deceptively hard challenge. It was awesome!
- I love Project Runway this season for primarily 2 reasons; 1) The models are assigned to different designers every single week – It really evens out the playing field because clearly some models are better suited to this than others; and 2) The models are all shapes and sizes. Designers are now forced to routinely design for curvy girls and it adds a sense of realism to the competition.
However, my favorite part this particular week is because one of the obnoxiously annoying twins was sent home. It came down to a 1-hour design-off and 1 of the twins crumbled under the pressure. She then conceded the competition to her sister without even finishing it. She managed to play the martyr while doing it and her sister was left with that added guilt on top of it all. Wow, such a loving gesture, right? <Insert gratuitous eye roll here>
- Okay, back to RHOC – I audibly laughed when Peggy physically jumped away from Kelly because she was afraid of Kelly’s snakeskin purse. Now, I hate snakes just as much as any sane person – but that was simply hilarious. Kelly laughed and assured Peggy it wouldn’t bite her. Then Kelly attempted to explain that it was okay she had a snakeskin purse because snakes shed their skin all of the time anyway. Right… And IF your purse was out of that almost clear, nasty shed skin – Your explanation might have made some sense… But no…
I kinda wonder WHICH snake Peggy was jumping away from: The snake on the purse or the snake carrying the purse.
Well, that’s all for this week! I hope you enjoy this format – it doesn’t mean that I won’t recap episodes I want to recap – it just makes it more palatable to talk about stuff on the shows I actually want to talk about – especially when most of them have gotten stale and boring,
I appreciate you guys hanging in there with me… Recently, it’s been a tough time for us all. So let’s try to get each other to laugh, okay? Lol.
Video of the Week
This week’s episode of The Voice had a contestant who posts various videos of him singing with his adorable 4-year-old daughter. After his audition, they asked the daughter to come out onto the stage and sing, too… Blake wanted her on his team… lol.
I suspect he will go far in the competition since the video below has almost 17.5 million views. This YouTube video was posted by Claire and the Crosbys entitled, “You’ve Got a Friend In Me – LIVE Performance by 4-year-old Claire Ryann and Dad.” Enjoy!