Real Housewives’ Christmas List
December 15, 2017
Yay! It’s one of my most favorite times of the year… Christmas! I’ve been singing Christmas carols for weeks now… lol… Aren’t YOU glad most of you don’t know me in real life?… lol.
For some reason, I’m feeling especially snarky this year. I decided to constructively aim my bursting snark at the Real Housewives by making a Santa Starzy’s Christmas list…
And yes, I’ve checked it twice… And I found out I’ve been naughty – not nice.
The list is organized by Real Housewives’ franchise placed in alphabetical order to make it easier to identify who’s who in the zoo. I was pretty danged snarky to everyone (with only 1 or 2 exceptions) – I pride myself on being an “Equal Opportunity Snarker”… lol…
This is yet another reason Santa’s gonna put coal in my stocking this year… lol. Enjoy!
Real Housewives of Atlanta
Cynthia Bailey – A backbone – So she can stand up for herself for a change
Kandi Burruss – A better set of friends
Kenya Moore – Dramamine – ‘Cuz ya know she must get dizzy from all of that twirling – I could also give her a new address anywhere NOT in Atlanta – So she and her darling husband can move there together and live happily ever after… PS: Isn’t it interesting that “Dramamine” has “drama” and “mine” joined together… A coincidence? I think not… lol….
Kim Zolciak Biermann – A vat of Super Glue so all the plastic and silicone bits and pieces in her reconstructed body can be glued back together once they start falling apart
NeNe Leakes – An enormous crane that can lift that ginormous chip off her shoulder
Porsha Williams – A clue – ‘Cuz clearly, she doesn’t have any
Shereè Whitfield – Vanishing crème – So she can, you know, vanish
Real Housewives of Beverly Hills
Dorit Kemsley – 10 Sessions with a Dialect Coach since her accent is always all over the place
Erika Girardi – A bag of Doritos – ‘Cuz she thinks she’s all that… but she’s missing the bag of chips – I thought about giving her some clothes because I’ve seen way too much of her nekkidness… but I decided against it ‘cuz that’s her thing and I can easily just look the other way
Kyle Richards – A new unlisted number and address so her sister Kim Richards can’t find her
Lisa Rinna – A pack of holiday “Depends” for those intimate times when she feels especially festive… I think she could also use a polka dotted zippered pouch to replace her Ziploc bag o’ drugs/vitamins – I worry that plastic bag is gonna get a hole in it
Lisa Vanderpump – A new hairstyle – ‘Cuz the 50s called and they want their hair back – And a pink pooper scooper to handle all the crap that’s hurled her way
Real Housewives of Dallas
Cary Deuber – An extra tube of lipstick‘ – ‘Cuz she talks out of both sides of her mouth
Brandi Redmond – A pair of flip flops – ‘Cuz she keeps flip flopping between loving/hating her friends
D’Andra Simmons – Healing Salve – For the tread marks from when her Mother rolls over her
Kameron Westcott – A new stick – To replace the old stick that was up her a$$ all season
LeeAnne Locken – Tupperware Champagne glasses, rubber cutlery, and a muzzle for her mouth ‘cuz otherwise she would use them as weapons of mass destruction
Stephanie Hollman – Water wings – So she and her kids can safely watch TV while floating in the indoor swimming pool in their living room
Real Housewives of New Jersey
Danielle Staub – A rock… So she can crawl back under it
Dolores Catania – 2 feet of her own – So she can finally stand up on her own 2 feet
Margaret Josephs – 2 sets of cute pony tail holders – One for her and one for her adorable Mom so they can be twinsies… I just love her Mom…
Melissa Gorga – A new husband – ‘Cuz, well, do I really need to say more?
Siggy Flicker – A fruit cake – to replace the cake she flipped a fig over…and because it’s fruity and nutty just like she is. She could also use a new deck of cards because she’s overplayed the victim card, the “You disrespected my cake” card, the Jewish card, and the “You can’t be friends with her” card…
Teresa Giudice – An appointment with a divorce attorney… Plus, some sprinkle cookies ‘cuz someone should give them to her every danged Christmas so she can learn to appreciate them
Real Housewives of New York
Bethenny Frankel – Sanity – ‘Cuz her ex-husband is causing her to slowly lose hers
Carole Radziwill – A storyline – ‘Cuz she obviously needs one
Dorinda Medley – A better lock for her home in the Berkshires to keep out her friends who are b*tches
LuAnn de Lesseps – A rear view window – ‘Cuz that’s the only way she should look at that pond scum of an ex-husband
Ramona Singer – A loaf of bread – ‘Cuz she’s so jelly of Bethenny’s success
Sonja Morgan – A plumber who will service both her and her pipes
Tinsley Mortimer – A big, fluffy pillow – So she has a place to hide her head when she cries and throws one of her tantrums
Real Housewives of Orange County
Kelly Dodd – A cussin’ jar – ‘Cuz if she has to feed it $1 every time she cusses we will make bazillions of dollars… Woo hoo!
Lydia McLaughlin – A new rainbow located in a far and distant land – Where up is down and down is up… It’s a land where you can effortlessly justify openly mocking someone and saying horrible things about them just because you say them directly to their face
Meghan King Edmonds – A damn – ‘Cuz her husband really doesn’t give one about her… at all
Peggy Sulahian – The book: American Colloquialisms and Idioms for Dummies – In all fairness, I almost bought her a new face to replace her resting b*tch face but then I realized that she was just a b*tch and that’s her face
Shannon Beador – DVD – “How Stella Got Her Groove Back” since she’ll soon be rid of that 180 lb. anchor off her back named “David”
Tamra Judge – A lie detector – ‘Cuz she’ll need it if she genuinely rekindled her friendship with Vicki since Vicki is a lying liar who lies
Vicki Gunvalson – A pair of nonflammable pants – ‘Cuz she’s such a liar, liar pants on fire
HO HO HO… lol
So do you think “Santa Starzy’s Real Housewives’ Christmas List” was too naughty? I’m sure you have some great ideas of your own and if so, please share them with the class in the comments!
It’s been weird not blogging much recently and I’ve really missed you all. Fortunately, I’m back just in time for the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to premiere next week (Tuesday, December 19th)… lol…
We ALL have opinions about that franchise, don’t we?
I hope to have one or two more posts up between now and Christmas – Perhaps a “Snarkables” and a “Ponderings” post if I’m able… Or as my Dad would say, “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise.” Lol…
Thanks for all your prayers about the fires that have been pummeling California so hard over the last several weeks. Mr. Starz and I are totally fine but I’ve had close friends who have been adversely impacted by them.
It’s been a scary time for us all. To be honest, I got especially freaked out about this last round of fires. It was pretty yucky.
Somehow, Christmas snuck up on us. We’re planning to have a pretty low key kind of a holiday time.
However, Mr. Starz and I will be calling various friends over the next several days to sing Christmas carols to them – We often leave them as voicemail messages. It’s kind of techno Christmas Caroling… lol… It’s the next best thing to being there… lol. You should try it, too!
I hope ya’ll have way too much fun for words celebrating whatever holiday you espouse and that it’s a rich and meaningful time for you. May this season be filled with love, joy, and peace…
You are bright spots in my life and I value you so much.
Thanks for reading!
Ya’ll be safe, now, okay? Happy Trails!
Video of the Week
This video combines two of my favorite things – Snow + Pandas. This YouTube video was posted by Epic Laughs entitled, “Cute Pandas Playing in SNOW (HD)” – Enjoy!