The holidays have become filled with entirely too much stress – So I wanted to offer you a brief respite from all of the hustle and bustle…
Below are my wonky summations of some of our most beloved Christmas Movies and Specials.
Heck, it could be argued whether or not some of them should even be considered to be Christmas movies at all. However, that’s a whole ‘nuther Oprah and I choose to be somewhat inclusive for our purposes today.
Christmas Movie and Christmas
December 25, 2017
A Charlie Brown Christmas – Size doesn’t matter.
A Christmas Carol – A bazillion versions of the same movie about a woman named Carol who doesn’t like ghosts.
A Christmas Story – Getting a friend to lick an icy flagpole is always funny even after you’ve watched it 89 times on Christmas Day.
Babes In Toyland – Hot chicks who work at Toys “R” Us.
Christmas In Connecticut – ‘Cuz to them, the rest of the country just doesn’t matter.
Die Hard – It’s hard to die. It’s also hard to kill Bruce Willis. Let’s face it – It’s hard to believe this is considered a Christmas movie…lol.
Elf – Bob Newhart’s adopted son is really, really tall. He may also have an issue with sugar.
Frosty The Snowman – The sun is pure evil.
Frozen – We desperately need to let this movie and its song go.
The Grinch – It’s about a green guy who has a heart condition.
Holiday In Handcuffs – The name of Luann de Lesseps’ new reality show (Real Housewives of New York City).
Holiday Inn – ‘Cuz staying at the Four Seasons is too expensive.
Home Alone – It’s okay to leave your child behind when you go on vacation ‘cuz he will guard your house from burglars.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas! – Dogs don’t make good reindeer.
It’s A Wonderful Life – We exist solely to ensure angels get their wings.
Jingle All The Way – ‘Cuz jingling half-way doesn’t count.
Love, Actually – It’s schmaltzy, actually. Though, admittedly, I DO love it, actually.
Miracle on 34th Street – It was supposed to happen on 33rd Street, but there was an accident.
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation – There’s no such thing as too many lights on a house.
The Nightmare Before Christmas – Crowds of crazy last-minute shoppers destroy the mall on Christmas Eve.
The Nutcracker – Hearing the name itself compels men everywhere to involuntarily move their hands to protect their north poles.
The Polar Express – The credit card polar bears don’t leave home without.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer – Reindeer tend to drink too much. Also, bumbles bounce.
Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Fair warning to us all that we’d better watch out.
The Santa Clause – Surprisingly, this movie doesn’t have anything to do with grammar.
The Santa Clause 2 – Surprisingly, the sequel doesn’t have anything to do with grammar, either.
The Santa Clause 3 – Part 3 had the audacity to split their infinitives. They also left their participles dangling all over the place… But the REAL shocker was that one of the clauses got a little too independent and ran away with a conjunction.
Scrooged – How we all feel around tax time.
Trading Places – Rich white men will always gamble and screw with poor people just to make a buck.
Trapped In Paradise – Evidently, robbing banks is Christmassy.
While You Were Sleeping – It’s perfectly acceptable to lie and pretend you’re someone you’re not if you’re cute, adorable, and/or named Sandra Bullock.
White Christmas – It’s the KKK’s favorite movie. Their least favorite movie is Black Christmas.
The Wizard of Oz – A narcissist behind a curtain thinks he controls the world. Suddenly, I’ve a feeling we’re not talking about Kansas anymore.
Mr. Starz and I wish you all a fabulous holiday season filled with love, joy, laughter, peace, and meaningfulness – No matter how you choose to celebrate – if, at all.
May 2018 be your best year ever!