Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (RHOBH)
“Lucy, Lucy, Apple Juicy” – S9/E1
AKA: This Season is Gonna be Ruff!
We’re ba-aAAaaaAAAaaaack! Can you believe it? Gosh… It seems like just yesterday since we last snarked… or last July… but I digress… lol…
Well… The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (RHOBH) had already kicked it in high gear long before this season’s premiere. They did their jobs well by getting everyone on social media buzzin’ about the season, already picking teams, and fighting it out long before anyone even knows what’s going to happen during the filming itself.
Here’s the thing – I am an equal opportunity snarker – I can easily love or hate any of the housewives’ behavior at any given time. In fact – I’ve been known to change my mind even within a single
episode scene itself… I have no dog in this race…
Speaking of dogs in races… Vanderpinkie (my loving nickname for Lisa) is rumored to be cranky with Dorit The Twit (my loving nickname for Dorit that is pronounced so that “Dorit” and “Twit” rhyme) over a dog. We’ve heard conflicting accounts of what happened – so let’s see what the show reveals, shall we?
It doesn’t seem like they’ve fired anyone from last season – but have added Denise Richards who is a living roller coaster herself – so this season should be a fun ride.
I’m not sure why they haven’t made Camille Grammer a full-fledged housewife again (I keep wanting to correct the spelling to be “Grammar”… lol). Maybe she doesn’t want it? I dunno… It’s weird… This season didn’t she get married AND lose her house in a fire? Doesn’t that deserve something?
Let’s start with their taglines, shall we?
Season 9 Taglines
Lisa Rinna: “In the game of life, it’s Rinna take all.”
Instead of the “game of life” I think a more appropriate game for RHOBH is Monopoly, yes? ‘Cuz they’re always buying houses with pretend money, someone’s usually on the verge of bankruptcy, and don’t even get me started on what “Community Chest” might mean… Plus, one of them is bound to go to directly to jail at some point… Oh wait, no, that’s Real Housewives of New Jersey or Real Housewives of New York City… Never mind…lol.
Erika Girardi: “Most people talk about their fantasies; I’m living mine.”
Sure, if living with a man who disrespects you in public is your fantasy – go for it!
Dorit Kemsley: “In business and in life, I wear many hats — and hairstyles.”
So, like, are these all disguises to help you hide from your creditors? I mean, allegedly… and stuff.
Lisa Vanderpump: “You can stab me in the back, but whilst you’re there, kiss my ass.”
Everyone knows my personal goal is to use the word “whilst” at least once a day – so on one hand, Vanderpinkie earned lots of points using it in her tagline… but on the other hand, must Lisa ALREADY play the victim card with her tagline?
Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave: “I’m not afraid of hard work, but I’ll never do your dirty work.
OooOOoo… Is this foreshadowing? Or is she saying she doesn’t do windows?
Denise Richards: “My problem with the tabloids? My real life is so much juicier.”
This scares me a lot ‘cuz I’ve read the outlandish things the tabloids have printed about her in the past… lol.
Kyle Richards: “In Beverly Hills, the truth always has a way of rising to the top.”
OMG – Kyle – I can’t believe you used “Beverly Hills” yet again in your tagline especially when you don’t even live there – GMAB!
Welcome to the New Season!
The episode starts out with Kyle being thrown out of Vanderpinkie’s house. I kid you not. Expletives were hurled. It looks bad… It looks like the kind of bad that a friendship doesn’t come back from…
Lisa told Kyle to get the f*ck out of her house. No joke. Ken was also yelling stuff.
Then we get a “two months earlier” prompt…
We’re not given much more info than that at this point. I am not falling for Bravo’s creative editing this time. I’m not going to say much more right now – and let’s just see how this all unfolds… This may well be when Lisa decided to stop filming for the show this season.
In real time, Lisa is grieving the loss of her brother who committed suicide only a couple of months before filming started. Lisa manages several businesses and charities PLUS she filmed Vanderpump Rules. She’s tired. Heck, I’m tired just watching her. Honestly, she probably shouldn’t have filmed this season in the first place.
However, I do understand why Lisa said that she needed to go back to work as a sort of distraction so she could move forward… but anyone can see she has way too much on her plate even during normal non-emotionally draining times.
I wish Lisa would be gentle bentle with herself. Grief is tough. Grieving on national TV has got to be the worst.
Once Upon a Time There Was a Dog Named Lucy…
Okay… this is going to be a major storyline – I’m going to piece it together as best as I can from everyone’s POV.
Dorit and PK adopted a dog named “Lucy” from the Vanderpump Dog Center (VDC). Rescue shelters go through hoops to ensure a dog is matched to a wonderful forever home. They even go so far as to include in the contract a stipulation that if the placement doesn’t work out – the dog MUST be returned to the Center or the owner will be charged $5,000.
Unfortunately, Lucy wasn’t a good match for Dorit The Twit’s family since there was some biting involved. Among other things, Lucy bit PK on his nose.
However, you can’t really blame Lucy for that, though, since PK’s face resembles kibble, right? Heck, haven’t we ALL wanted to smack PK upside the head at one time or another? Or is that just me?… lol.
For some reason, Dorit The Twit gave her dog to some random woman who said she had a good home for Lucy. Dorit said she texted Lisa about the situation. Since the dog went to a good home – I guess Lisa was initially okay with it. Lisa took Dorit off the hook about the whole thing at this point.
However, sometime after that – for one reason or another – Lucy’s new owner abandoned Lucy at a shelter… People have said it was a “kill” shelter – While that terminology was NOT used on the show – People are putting two and two together. Lucy had been microchipped by VDC and so VDC was called before anything horrific happened to poor Lucy.
Okay… so now here is the Teddi connection… Teddi often takes her kids to VDC to play with the puppies since they don’t yet have any at home. Teddi also does fundraisers benefitting VDC and has a congenial relationship with some of the employees.
As you can imagine, the VDC employees are understandably royally PISSED OFF at Dorit The Twit for doing what she did to Lucy – and one of them told Teddi all the vile details before the season started filming.
They filmed a scene with Teddi (and her kids) and Kyle (and her kids) at VDC playing with the puppies. An employee of VDC brought Lucy out to meet Teddi on camera. Vanderpinkie immediately tried to shut down everyone from talking about the situation on camera.
People have varying theories on what happened and why. If you’re a conspiracist, you may think Lisa was so mad at Dorit that she wanted to talk about the issue on camera but couldn’t without risking a decades long friendship and business relationship with PK.
Since Lisa didn’t want to bring it up herself, some think she manipulated her employee to do so. Otherwise, why was the dog even there during the time of filming? Here’s the thing – they were filming AT Lucy’s temporary home – so she was ALWAYS going to be there at that time.
So why did the employee bring out LUCY for filming right then?
I think the more likely scenario is that one (or more) employee(s) were so danged angry at Dorit that they wanted to figure out a way to force the entire story to come to light. The employee(s) may have strategically decided to bring Lucy out to meet Teddi on camera just for that purpose.
You may or may not have been aware that in real time the tabloids got ahold of the story sometime thereafter, too. People have pointed the finger at Vanderpinkie as the one who leaked it to the tabloids. I don’t think so – it wouldn’t have been good for her business to do so.
I also don’t think Dorit did it either – although they could probably use the money. Allegedly.
The story exposed Dorit The Twit and PK to be the pieces of crap they are.
This whole thing makes me crazy – All Dorit and PK would have had to do was to spend time with an experienced dog trainer who would work with Lucy and their family so Lucy could successfully live in their home. If they were better human beings, they would have done so. It is NOT the dog’s fault she bites – there are reasonable explanations behind it – and usually the behavior can be corrected.
Even if the dog’s behavior (or the owner’s) wasn’t able to be corrected – there was NO valid reason on earth why they didn’t give Lucy back to VDC. It’s so wrong on so many levels.
I also don’t think Teddi did it – It’s just too underhanded and passive aggressive. Teddi knew she would have ample opportunity to address it directly with Dorit on camera and get some good dramatic mileage out of it for the show. Teddi isn’t an “Accountability Coach” for nothing…
However, I DO totally believe one (or more) of the employees might have leaked the story to the tabloids out of compassion for the dog.
In addition, it wasn’t clear to me why Kyle was making a big deal about it. Does she care about what happened to the dog? Remember she’s had her own share of experiences with her sister’s biting dog – but Kyle is also an avid dog lover…
Or is Kyle cranky that Lisa is once again letting Dorit get off the hook too easily yet holds Kyle to a much higher set of behavioral friendship standards? Hmmm…
Things That Made Me Laugh
- Teddi and Kyle went to a gym boxing class and Justin Bieber was there. They fangirled out, as anyone would in that situation. I kinda thought Bieber was into boxing and so it’s weird he wasn’t in a WAY more advanced boxing class than Kyle and Teddi, right? It kinda takes away some of his street cred, yo… I mean, if he had any.
- Teddi and Dorit’s children have bonded. One kid told the other he had a “goofy” face. The child instinctively responded without causing a casino that it was “just his face.” Crisis averted. World peace ensued.
- When Teddi said, “Winning” whilst sitting right next to Denise Richards, whom she just met. She realized her faux pas immediately and apologized… it was hilarious!
- Erika called Vanderpinkie’s exceedingly wide-brimmed hat “offensive” as they went in for a hug. I think she meant to say something else… it just struck me funny for some reason.
- Rinna and her daughters went to a “Goat Yoga” session – and it was so much fun! Yet I think “Goat Yoga” is sooOOooo last year, though… It got me to thinking that it might be also fun to have puppy yoga… or duck-billed platypus yoga… lol… Porcupine yoga might also be fun – then you could have acupuncture at the same time.
- I learned there is such a thing as a “Charcuterie Expert” since Kyle hired one for her gathering. I kid you not. It sounds almost as suspect as being an “Accountability Coach, ” right, Teddi? How can being a “Charcuterie Expert” NOT be some sort of racquet? You don’t even hafta cook anything – You just hafta be able to open up a whole bunch of fancy packages and throw ‘em on a honkin’ board or a tray. #EasyMoney #CancelChefSchoolRegistration
- RInna had a gathering of Erika, Dorit, and newbie Denise at her house. Lisa and Her Lips had set a tray of eatables outside on a table with a covering protecting it from unwanted flies. Unfortunately, the covering kept the flies IN and not out… lol… So when Lisa lifted the covering to serve the food – the flies all flew out. Humorously, Lisa dismissed it as being non-important since none of them ever eat anything anyway… lol.
- Vanderpinkie teased Kyle about copying her since they both drove up for filming in their Porsches. Kyle is quick to point out they’re not the same since hers is a different color. They laugh about it – but I think Kyle wins this entire argument, though ‘cuz not only does Kyle own a Porsche… but she also has a daughter named, “Portia” – which is the correct pronunciation of “Porsche.”
No, seriously – The correct pronunciation is such a big deal that there’s a YouTube video posted by the manufacturer that demonstrates how to correctly pronounce their car’s name:
Stuff I Learned – but Wish That I Hadn’t
- Dorit The Twit’s husband, PK, shaves his hands and arms. I’m sure this is to help him slither out of police handcuffs should the need arise.
- Lisa and Her Lips were once in a movie with Denise’s ex-husband (Charlie Sheen). They had a scene wherein she was on the phone whilst Sheen was sucking on her toes <involuntary shudder>. Denise kinda recoiled in horror when she heard that prolly ‘cuz she realized that she kissed the lips that were once all over Lisa’s toes. #DoYouKnowWhereThoseLipsHaveBeen
- We all remember how Kyle’s new house was burglarized at the end of last season – and they nabbed her holy cow expensive designer bags and jewelry – some of which was handed down to her by her Mom. Well, we learned that Dorit’s house has now been robbed, too. They took every piece of jewelry except a necklace she hates that PK gave her. Are you allowed to say on national TV that you hate a piece of jewelry your husband bought you? The fashion policing community can only hope they took Dorit’s wigs and hair accessories as well, right?
- A kid peed in Kyle’s pool (or maybe it was in her yard)… Did the adults need to make a big deal about it on national TV so now his classmates/friends know about it? No.
Things That Made Me Cry
- Whenever Lisa spoke about her brother who had committed suicide a couple months before filming – it made me cry. Her grief is palpable. She’s understandably torn apart by it. And sorry Kyle – I don’t care what the heck Lisa said or did to you – You don’t get to yell at the woman who just buried her brother – especially when it’s over something nonsensical like attendance at a non-filmed function. And Kyle, saying that you have “sh*t” going on in your life, too – is ridiculously ignorant. If Kathy or Kim died, you would be a BASKET CASE. Take a seat… take several seats…
- Giggy (Lisa and Ken’s beloved dog) isn’t doing well. He’s getting the best care a dog could ever hope to receive… but his health is failing. This, too, will be torturous for them… When it rains, it pours…
- It’s horrifying that the only reason Lisa Vanderpinkie found out that Lucy was dropped off at a shelter was because she was microchipped – Fortunately, they were able to step in and save Lucy before it was too late – but it could have gone so much worse.
- At one point, in a future episode, we will see Kyle tell Vanderpinkie that she maybe she cares more about her image than she does her friendships. This show is never better than when Kyle and Lisa are getting along and having fun. It makes me completely sad this is NOT one of those seasons.
On a Personal Note…
Thanks so much for reading! It’s been several months since I’ve blogged – so I’m trying to get my feet wet again.
I’m also learning a new website formatting system… so there’s that. Please look at the formatting with kind eyes… I’m still working through some kinks. I’ll be happy if it posts okay… lol.
Please note that I often don’t watch the show until the day after it airs – so the blogs may be a tad tardy. But if you can handle that… Welcome aboard!
By the way… If you have the chance – You might want to watch the Kid’s Baking Championship on Monday nights on Food Network. Duff Goldman (Ace of Cakes) and Valerie Bertinelli are the perfectly-suited hosts of the show.
The kids are so talented and completely funny – the whole show is hilarious. On Demand has the previous episodes available… It’s really fun to watch. The kids jump in to help each other quite a bit. Adults could learn from them. There may be hope for civilization after all…
This week, one of the kids had to make a tart that had goat cheese in it – and he free-hand drew a goat in chocolate on the top of his tart. Sadly, the goat was not doing yoga.
Okay, at this point I would say, “See you next Tuesday” – but that just doesn’t seem right, right? Lol… So instead, I’ll use my normal sign-off…
Video of the Week
I posted a similar video last year – but one can never get enough Goat Yoga, right? lol…
The YouTube video was posted by Country Living and entitled, “This Farm’s ‘Goat Yoga’ Classes Are Absolutely Adorable.”
All photos are video screenshots of the episodes or videos related to the episodes that can be accessed at: www.bravotv.com. The group shot is from the RHOBH’s Facebook page – that can be accessed at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/RealHousewivesofBeverlyHills/photos/?ref=page_internal